Stories of Lost Grandchildren
Still
by Nana, Unalaska, AK, U.S.A.
Still, I look for you. When I get off work each night I cry on the way home. Sometimes I cry at work, but try not to as I am a professional?! I sleep with your little blue sleeper near my head. When your brother spends the night with me we put it between us. Your picture is in my car, on the dash. Your huge brown eyes are sparkling, and when it's cold I touch you to pass some warmth. I see your little bluish body as they gave you CPR outside of the clinic on the ground,when I shut my eyes, I feel the weight of your tiny self in my arms, while we drove from the clinic to the police station, and the resolve in my heart that I would not put you down until you went in the ground. Tears fell, tears fall, still---in Hawai'i I saw that the ocean was filled with tear soup for all the lost people who had babies pass. it is the unkindest cut of all, to bury a grandchild---any child---they are supposed to bury you. And the grief in my daughter's almond Aleut eyes--every day, still---will it ever stop? Love you TJ, still, always and forever. Your brother is struggling to understand your departure, as he ask when we were driving in Hawai'i-'why did TJ have to die Nana?' Still, I get up and go around and pretend that I am ok, because people don't want to hear anymore about you--but STILL, I will talk about you, until I join you--still. Love, Nana
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