Stories of Lost Children
Still So Lost
by Sandi, Oklahoma City, OK, U.S.A.
We found out by surprise that I was pregnant. It wasn't planned but it was welcomed. My husband and I were so excited. It was a healthy pregnancy all the way until the 14th of August. I woke up that morning around 5am with mild pains in my lower stomach. They would come and go every hour or so. So being this was my first pregnancy I naturally called my doctors nurse and spoke with her about things and she said I would be ok. So the next day came the pains are still there but now I'm spotting and the pains are every half hour or so. I call again to the nurse and she has me come in. She said she could hear the baby's heartbeat and it sounded good. No ultrasound done she said it wasn't needed and sent me home telling me if it gets worse go to urgent care. Needless to say, late that night we go into urgent care. The pains are worse now and still about every twenty minutes to a half hour. The U.C. nurse says your doctor already told you what's wrong so I think you're ok to go home and take it easy...still no ultrasound done. She said I was too early in my pregnancy to do one. (?).. By time that Friday comes we have a scheduled ultrasound at one and my pain are every ten minutes or so and excruciating. The ultrasound started good. Then the nurse is in the middle of the ultrasound and we find out we're having a boy but are told not to be too excited. The nurse leaves and a different doctor comes in and tells us were going to lose our baby because I've been in labor for the past couple days and they are waiting for us in Labor & Delivery next door. We get to the hospital and they have no idea who we are or why we’re there. After explaining things to the nurses they make us sit in the lobby for twenty minutes and put us in a room. Before the nurse walks out without saying one word besides come with me., I ask her if I should be changing into a gown or what's going on she says I don't know and someone will be with you shortly. Ten minutes of sitting in this room with my husband and I get up to use the restroom and deliver my son in the restroom.
My dear husband runs out to get help and finds a nurse, tells her what we need immediate assistance and she stands and asks why. He tells her and as he's walking away she said I’ll let someone know in a minute. So they finally come into our room maybe two minutes later (which seemed like forever to us), and take our baby to get cleaned up. The nurses return with our son and says "you can hold him until he passes". Those were the first words told to us. Not congratulations or explanation or anything like that. Just here you go he's going to die basically. As we hold him, we look at him as he looks at us on and off, moving around, his hearts beating good, and he's 19weeks old just four days shy of twenty weeks. The nurse says he's four days shy of their age requirements for them to attempt to save his life even though he's a healthy boy.
As my husband and I sit with our son, the nurse comes in every half hour to heck his vitals and repeatedly tells us, "anytime now he should be passing. His hearts real strong still though you have a fighter." How do you tell someone that like its nothing. How do you keep telling someone over an over its anytime now your son is going to pass away in your arms. The nurse was so surprised by him she brought two other nurses in to see him and how he's still alive. Four hours later our son took his last breathe in my arms. The nurse says well that took longer than we thought. And says we can keep holding him as long as we need. And also to say our goodbyes. Everything in those three days seemed to happen so fast like it was a bad dream. We were hurting by the loss of our first child and also angry at the staff for not ever explaining things to us or letting us know what's going on. Our son Markus was born at 3pm and passed away around 7pm that night. He might not of lived very long but it still left such a big feeling of emptiness inside me. My husband is so supportive and does what he can to help us. i know we grieve differently but our bond is now stronger then ever because we've endured something like this together. I don't know where I'd be without his love...and yet I still feel lonely an empty inside. It's been almost 5 and a half months since we lost our son and it still seems there are days when it feels like it just happened yesterday.
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