Stories of Lost Children
My Angel Paul
by L.G., Springfield, TN, U.S.A.
In July 2009 my husband and I found out we where expecting our fourth child. A couple of months later we found out it was a boy, and were so excited. We had one son and two daughters and were looking forward to completing our family with another boy. The pregnancy continued with a few complications and some things discovered on the ultrasound, but we believed it would all be fixable after delivery. The doctor did ultrasounds every three weeks, and he looked good and was growing good. On February 21 on the way to church I noticed that he was not moving as much, so we detoured to the hospital. We where so sure they would monitor me and send us home. About an hour later the doctor came rushing in with all the nurses and said we are doing an emergency C-Section now. I was only 28 weeks pregnant. They delivered Paul and immediately started resuscitating him. His was quickly transferred to Vanderbilt’s Children’s Hospital NICU so he could receive the care he needed. I was kept at the hospital I delivered at as they were trying to save my life. I started to bleed profusely, and they worked twelve hours to keep me alive, while my baby was an hour away fighting for his. Finally hours later and stable enough to be transferred to Vanderbilt my doctor sent me to be with my son. The NICU doc had called and said Paul probably would not make it thru the night. He surprised us and did. The next day the neonatologist came and gave us the worst news ever. Paul had two grade four brain bleeds, and would never survive because of the brain damage, and that his heart defect was incompatible with life. We where devastated. How could everything go so wrong so fast? We made the difficult decision to withdraw care and have the respirator removed. On Monday February 22, 2010, they brought Paul to us and our other children were able to hold him. When we gave them the o.k., they turned off the machine and took out the breathing tube. He passed very peacefully in my arms in less then five minutes. So now I am left with a long difficult recovery and no baby to hold. The grief and sadness is sometimes consuming. My only consolation is that my angel is with God and has no more pain, he is perfect now. One day we will see him again when God decides it time. I am not sure yet why God spared my life that night and took my angel Paul, but I know there was a purpose to it. We now know they believe Paul had a partial trisomy 18 and are still waiting test results. Daddy please dont look so sad, mommy please dont cry cause i'm in the arms of jesus now and he sings me lullabies. Please try not to question god, don’t think he's been unkind, dont think he sent me to you and then he changed his mind. You see i'm a special child and i am needed up above. I'm a special gift you gave to him the product of your love.I'll always be there with you and if you watch the sky at night and find the brightest star thats my halo's light. You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window panes.Thats me in the summer showers i'll be dancing in the rain. When you feel a gentle tug on your saddened heart just think of me, we are never far apart. Paul, mommy and daddy and your brother and sisters miss you. Until we see you again may God take care of you.
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