Stories of Lost Children
Maddox James Kennelly
by Ashley Kennelly, Omaha, NE, U.S.A.
On February 18th at 7:45 a.m. I had a beautiful baby boy. He looked normal, he cried and cooed grabbed you fingers and got upset if you tried to change his diaper. But he had a type of hydrocephalus; about 11-12 weeks of my pregnancy he had a stroke. It ended up cutting off the blood supply to his brain. His brain died, only leaving a cerebellum and a brain-stem. The doctors who had examined and diagnosed him said they had only experience with 10 other infants who had the same thing. Expanding over their entire careers. They said that infants with this lived only 6 months to a year usually. I brought my son home with me for whatever time he had left. I spent an incredible 41 days with him, he made me smile and laugh. His last day here his breathing had become ragged and forced. He also started to reject his feeding tube. Me and my family had started painting his hands and feet then placing them on paper and his clothes. Leaving forever his imprint on the world. When his breathing became more drawn out and shallower I stopped and cuddled with him, he died March 31st at 12:20 a.m.
It doesn't seem to get any easier for me, I still cry a lot, and it's hard for me to relate to my friends. One of my best friends got pregnant about 7 months into my pregnancy. She had a beautiful baby boy, and I'm jealous....and ashamed of it. I should be happy for her but it just reminds me of everything I won't have. The scar on my body from the C-Section I had is also a daily reminder of everything I won't have. Does it get any easier to cope with? Nearly 8 months after his death it still feels like he was just a dream. His cries and smiles? I constantly look at pictures of him to remind myself he was here and real.
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