Stories of Lost Children
Alicia's Story
by Alicia, Gilbert, AZ, USA
Hello I am new to this all and I didn’t know 8 1/2 years ago that they had all of this. U see, my son died 8 1/2 years ago of Trisomy-18. The doctors told me that I had a normal pregnancy except for the fact that I was diabetic and had too much fluid. I had 3 ultrasounds a week and 3 NST test and the doctor said that it was just my diabetes and did not know why I had so much fluid. He was born at Parkview Community Hospital, in Riverside California. I was only 7 months pregnant but kept having contractions until the doctor finally said that I had to have the baby. I had an emergency C-section. I already had a son at that time but didn’t hear the baby cry when he came out. They took him right away and transported him to Loma Linda University. We stayed at a hotel nearby because the Ronald McDonald house was full. I soon found out that he had Trisomy 18, which happened 1 out of 18,000 pregnancies. They did so many tests on him and found out that all of his major organs had problems and that he would not survive. He was on a respirator at that time. I had to make a decision if i wanted to take him off life support. After 6 horrifying days we decided to take him off the respirator. The doctor said it would be best that he would never live off the respirator. They first told us that he would live but would have major disabilities and later found out that it was the worst case that they had ever seen. They asked if they could do studies on his body which I said no way. At the end they took him off the respirator and it was about 10 until he passed and that was it. I wanted to die. The doctor couldn’t tell me why it happened and he should have been able to tell while I was pregnant or so I’ve been told. They said that I should have sued him but why I wanted to die, nothing more. If I wouldn’t have had my other son I would have done that but instead I checked myself into the mental hospital. The baby's father went to prison and is still in prison. I went to counseling for years until I came out here and now can’t get one so I want to go back to California. I need something and I can’t get out of this rut that I am stuck in. I cry everyday and can't take out the bin that has all of his stuff in. But I know maybe I need to look at it. It’s just that whenever I talk about it I cry or my head gets messed up. I was mad at god for such a long time. I still, till this day think that he is punishing me and won’t stop. So I am here on these sites looking for help, looking for direction to help me out of what I have become, a nothing. I don’t even like looking in the mirror and do only what I have to do because of my kids. I am now in bad health and the doctors won’t help me until I have a stable mind and have been in therapy for 6 months and take pills.
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