Stories of Lost Children
Our Son-Our Empty Arms
by Tammy Lynn Kelley, Leesville, SC, U.S.A.
My name is Tammy. At the time I found out I was pregnant I had a 15 year old & an 9 year old and had thought I was not having anymore babies. So when I found out that after all this time we was having another one, my husband (Rusty) and I was so excited. We were cautiously excited. Our first son was born with Gastoschesis and our 2nd baby was a girl who died from Anencephly so we were very worried of course. But in all truths this pregnancy was the best. I was rarely sick and enjoyed every minute of it. All ultrasound showed a healthy baby boy and we even had the 4-D images done and he was so beautiful. I remember at about 8 months I got all the pairs of socks and oneies and bibs and out-fits and blankets and I had washed them in baby smelling detergent and folded them so neatly and placed them in seperate big Zip-Lock bags with a Snuggles fabric softner sheet so they would smell fresh and clean when our baby arrived. While I was folding his clothes I was watching CMT country music videos and the new video and song by Kenny Chesney came out called (Someday). At this time the song was sad to me but had a totally differant meaning to me then it does now. Little did I know that would the song that would bring me to my knees everytime I heard it. Our third child Cyle was delivered by emergency C-Section at 36 weeks due to being strangled by his cord and is 11 now and is doing great. So with this pregnacy my husband and I told all the high risk doctors and nurses and ultrasound people to make sure they look at the cord and make sure the same thing did not happen to this baby. Well for almost nine months I went to a high risk center for all my appointment. I had 3 appointments a week for the last 3 months and 2 ultrsounds a week to make sure everything was okay. On my last Ultrasound appointment on November 1st I made sure I brought my hospital bag and Baby Connor's baby bag that I had packed because I had thought that maybe this would be the day we would be admitted to the hospital since my sceduled delivery was only 2 days away. So My Mom had went with me that mornning to see the ultrasound and make sure Connor was in the right position. As they poured the jell on my stomach and them started to move the probe across my stomach I knew something was not right. The first thing you see is the baby's heartbeat and I did not see his beating. The nurse went and got another nurse and she confimed my worst fear. That he was dead due to being all tangled up in his cord. I screamed and cried so hard I was getting sick all over the place while the nurses tried to hold me. My mom was crying and the nurses and the doctor that had taken care of me all this time and knew of all the heartache we have already been through was also crying with us in disbelief. There was no words of comfort that could of been said. I drove myself to the hospital crying out loud the whole time and up to the delivery room I went. They had this room off to the side away from all the other moms giving birth. The next mornning they preped me for my C-Section and I delivered and beautiful healthy baby boy that weighed 8lb & 3oz...They took him to my room so my husband and family and preacher could spend time with him while I was in recovery. He was the biggest baby i had ever had and Most days it hurts so bad that i can barley breath. We buried him on November 6th 2005. All I have is the plants from his funeral and some pictures I keep sealed up with the few other things I have to remind me of him. We love you so very much Connor and your big brothers Casey & Cyle miss you so much too. You deserved to live and I am so sorry.....
ON NOVEMBER 2ND 2005...NO FIRST BREATH...NO FIRST CRY...WE DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO TELL HIM GOOD-BYE YOU WAS OURS TO LOVE...CHERISH...AND KEEP..WITH AN ANGELS KISS APON YOUR CHEEK...THERE LIES OUR BABY FOREVER ASLEEP.. Mommy just wants to hold you and kiss you and protect you. I have never found peace with what has happened and do not know if I ever will. Our lives have forever been changed. Losing your child has to be the most painful thing to ever go through. Whether it is your baby our an older child, the pain is the same. Thank-You for taking the time to read my story. This is a short version...LOL..LOL...believe me I could write a book. I have two living kids and I have been pregnant 6 times. My heart is truley broken. But very thankful for the two handsome boys I do have and if it wasn't for them I think I would of done crawled into a shell and died. My husband has been a strong person through all of this and our marriage of almost 18 years has grown and has got stronger. I am also very thankful for that. We just grieve differently. He has moved on and I am still stuck in the past of what if's and why. My e-mail is tam9096@pbtcomm.net if anyone would like to talk. I am home for the summer with the boys. Take care and may our babies always feel life through our words we speak of them. Tammyn Kelley
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