Stories of Lost Children
Lucas James
by Natasha Sanderson, Wollongong, NSW, Australia
My partner & I had been trying for a baby for 12 years and were finally happy to find out I was pregnant. We went thru the usual worrying about the first 3 months but were grateful that all seemed well all the ultasounds came back perfect, we would be having a healthy beautiful baby boy. for some reason we struggled to find a name that we both liked but finally agreed on Lucas James. I was 221/2 weeks preganant when I woke up that morning and felt very heavy, it took me about 1 hour to work out that there was a pattern to the aching; I was having contractions every 4 minutes. I was sure everything would be fine; if I went to the hospital they would stop it and send me home. This was not the case. On examination, I was also losing amniotic fluid and was 23 cm dialated. There was nothing to be done, my baby would be induced that afternoon. How quickly your life can change in just a moment. Lucas was born at 8:11 that night. I remember after he was born and placed on my belly, I was saying to my partner, look at him baby he is beautiful, it's all I could keep saying. Pur son lived for an hour and died quietly in our arms. After his death, we bathed him and dressed him in clothes provided by the hospital. I kissed him and held him telling him mummy was sorry. The next day, I asked to see him again and it was at this point it all hit me. The tears streamed down my faced and the pain set in. I kissed him and told him I loved him and knew this would be the last time I would ever see him. I didn't realise that such a little boy could break my heart. 3 months later it has only just started heal. I have returned to the fertility clinic and have started treatment again. Somedays you lose your faith and sit and cry still disbelieving that this has happened. I wear a locket with a picture of Lucas inside, but the reality is Lucas is with me always. I feel him in my heart and in everything I do. I became a childless mother but a mother just the same and I see the world very differently. The minute he was born I became a grown up; it only took 35 years for it to happen. Thank you my son for coming into my life.
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