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Stories of Lost Children
My Hero, My Son...
by Lauren Brunn, Wantagh, NY, U.S.A. This is Tyler's story...a story about pain, saddness, and grief, and also a story about life, salvation, and hope. My husband Steve and I lost our precious baby boy Tyler Christian on October 3rd. We were 23 weeks into what was seemingly the most perfect pregnancy, although I always found myself so incredably nervous something would go wrong (since we had a miscarriage in February). I had begun to feel decreased movement during that week, but I was assured that he was probably breech, and that baby's movements at 23 weeks were not that reliable. But I knew my son. I knew how much he moved, and the day prior, I knew something was wrong. I even remember telling Steve that I had a really bad feeling. The next day, I went to work (I'm a resident), and decided to go up to L and D for a quick sono just to reassure myself that everything was ok; to prove to myself that everyone else was right. But they weren't. The resident tried to hide her disbelief when she looked for heart activity, but she couldn't. The next moments were the worst of my life, my lowest points. Hearing the words "I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat" ripped into the core of my soul. I can't tell you how many times since I have relived that moment. I was overcome by shock, disbelief, nausea and dizziness. I thought I would die. I prayed so hard for a reason to be found why my baby died. And my prayers were answered when I was diagnosed with antiphospholipid syndrome. Although having a chronic disease in and of itself is hard to deal with, and it does not take the pain away of losing Tyler, I have hope that someday, with treatment, I will be able to have a healthy baby. Tyler is my hero, our whole family's hero. He truly saved my life, and possibly the lives of his future brothers and sisters. Eight weeks have passed since we lost him. They have been the hardest 8 weeks of my life. The pain remains so deep; it is hard to get through each day. I feel completely lost without him. To all moms in pain, remember how important support is--husbands, moms, friends, family, support groups, and sites like this. I also take comfort in going to church, visiting the cemetary as often as I can, writing for and about him, trying to do good things for others in his name, and talking about him. Saying and hearing his name makes my heart sing! I would love to talk to any of you who have lost their baby angels; remember--you are not alone.
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