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Stories of Lost Children
Beautiful Sarah
by Lisa, Knoxville, TN, U.S.A. My beautiful 20 year old daughter Sarah died a week ago after suffering for her entire life from cystic fibrosis. Sarah was so tough, such a fighter. She never let her disease get her down or never used it to gain sympathy from anyone. Most of her acquaintances never even knew she had the disease, something she revealed only to the closest of friends. Sarah was relatively healthy until her junior year in high school when she began having recurring lung infections that would put her in the hospital for weeks at a time. Most of the time she would recover after a round of IV antibiotics and be back to her old self in a matter of days. Last year in May, she got really sick and spent a few days in the ICU. She recovered miraculously from that and even began to regain some of her lost lung function. She was well enough to go on our family vacation to Florida within a week of being in the ICU. She managed to stay out of the hospital until September, which was quite good for her. Then, she began to decline again, being hospitalized for a week here, two weeks there for the next few months. Not long ago, she met and fell in love with a wonderful guy, Brian. They seemed to be soulmates, and I knew this was the real deal because she told him about her illness. They spent a weekend in Charleston and she had the time of her life. She told me he was planning to buy her a ring. She was so excited.
Then, on Good Friday, she began feeling sick. The rest of us had gone out of town for the Easter weekend, and Sarah was home alone. On Saturday, I called her, and asked how she was. She responded "Fine", as she always did. My sister in law came to the phone and told me that Sarah's o2 sats were 78%. I told her to get her to the hospital, and that we'd be home as soon as we could. We were about three hours away. I got home that night, and Sarah was already admitted to her room in the hospital. I spoke to her and she said she was feeling fine, and not to come. For the next two days, she seemed to be doing ok, sleeping a lot but that wasn't unusual. On Wednesday, something told me to stay the night with her. I did, and in the night she woke up coughing uncontrollably. Her doctor was called at 4 a.m. and he admitted her to the ICU. By Friday, she was on a ventilator. Her CO2 readings had jumped into triple digits and she was dangerously ill. The doctor prepared us that she might not pull through. We trusted God for a miracle. On Friday night, her blood pressure began to drop rapidly. She was given dopamine to raise it. She seemed to be doing a little better but her CO2 continued to rise. On Saturday afternoon, I walked into her room, and I knew she was gone. Yes, her body was still breathing and functioning barely, due to the medications and ventilator. But I could see by looking at her, that she was gone. I asked them to call her doctor. He came, and we made the decision to stop the dopamine, and then the ventilator. As soon as the dopamine drip was stopped, her blood pressure bottomed out. When the ventilator was turned off, she didn't even gasp. It was so peaceful. She was surrounded by me, my parents, her boyfriend, our pastor, and a few very close friends. I felt that she was with the Lord, still I am ANGRY. Angry that she was my only daughter, that she only had a short time with the man I know she would have married, angry that I'd be planning a funeral now instead of helping plan a wedding. Angry that my best friend on this earth was gone, just like that. I know that it's supposed to get better but I wonder, does it? I read these stories and years later it sounds as if the suffering is still as intense. I know that I will see her again one day-or will I? This whole thing has me questioning everything I have ever believed in. I have to know she is with God. I have to know that Heaven is real. I know that she was one of the best, kindest, sweetest people on this earth and that she had a heart for God and Jesus and that she had made her profession of faith and been baptized AND LIVED IT. That gives me comfort, but I suffer now with doubt. Is Heaven real? Is she still out there somewhere, happy? I wish she'd let me know.
God, forgive me for my doubts. I prayed for a miracle, for her to be healed and left here on earth for a while longer. I begged God not to take my baby girl. He chose otherwise. I pray that one day I'll see the reason. Right now though all I can think about is that I'll never see her again, hear her laugh, go shopping together, plan her wedding, nothing. She is gone and there is a hole in my heart that nothing will fill. This has to get better. Someone please tell me it gets better.
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