Stories of Lost Children
Jaedin, My Peanut
by Emma, Toronto, ON, Canada
It was cold day in Febuary when I first found out I was pregnant. I had mixed feelings about the whole pregnancy. Jaedin's daddy and I had broken up a few days before I found out I was pregnant which is one of the reasons I was not sure about having this baby. Nevertheless, he was very supportive and we decided to be together. When I had my first OB appointment, they noticed I had a pocket of blood underneath my placenta. That explained why I had bleeding episodes during the first trimester. I was at the emergency every time I bled. I always prayed that he was still in there growing stronger. It was nerve recking. When I was about 16 weeks pregnant, I went for an ultrasound and a blood test (triple screen). A few days later I received a call from my OB saying that my blood test showed that my baby may have Downs. I was so scared. I thought there was some kind of mistake. She suggested I go to a genetics counsellor and find out more about this situation. My boyfriend and I went to the counsellor the following week. It was the worse week ever. Once we arrived, the counsellor corrected herself and told me that my baby may not have Downs; he may have Spina Bifida (spinal cord defect). I was even more upset! My baby may never walk! The counsellor suggested I take the amnio. This will determine for sure what defect he may have and the severity. She told me about the risks involved but I said to myself whether my baby is born with a defect or not, I'm going to care and love him unconditionally; that's my duty as a parent and I'm willing and ready to do anything for my child. I will NOT have an abortion. So we refused the test. I decided to have a level II ultrasound instead. The ultrasound technician spent about 30 minutes with me searching for any type of defect; no signs of any problem. That was strange. I went back again for 6 more ultrasounds and they found Jaedin to be very active, growing at a normal weight and very responsive. I asked myself how could these Doctors and counsellors put me through all this pain and agany for no reason. What was wrong? I couldn't understand. I was supppose to be on bed rest from work because of the bleeding but I kept my daily routine as normal. July 7th, I realized I was spotting brown discharge and feeling strong braxton hicks, along with mild cramping. I didn't do anything about it because I thought it was just another one of those bleeding episodes. The following morning, the pain was unbearable. I thought I need to do a "number 2". I was almost paralyzed with pain. I was rushed to emergency and about 30 minutes later, my water broke. I just started my 24th week. I said to myself "Jaedin should be OK; he's at the borderline of survival should he be born today". Wrong I was.
I started to bleed heavily and the contractions were 3 minutes apart. They did a quick ultrasound to see the babies position and sure enough he was breech (head up feet down). They did notice that my placenta was lying against his little arm crushing it with every contractions. That's the reason why I was in so much pain and the bleeding was uncontrollable (placenta previra). They realized that my life was in danger as well as Jaedin's. I was put in the operating room for a C-Section. J aedin's heart beat was dropping and so was mine! The last thing I remember was hearing his heartbeat. It seemed strong enough to make it; at least thats what I wanted to think. When I woke up, the nurse told me Jaedin passed away at 12:22 p.m. His little right arm severly bruised from the placenta. He wasn't fighting to live. He was in fact very ill. I did not want to have an autopsy. I know that he didn't have either Down's Syndrome, nor Spina Bifida. He had all his limbs, facial features, hair, 10 fingers and toes. He was fine. I had a chance to hold him for a while. I kised him and held him close to my heart. I felt his lifeless body turn cold. My mother and my boyfriend were right by my side. I was in so much physical and emotional pain that I felt like I was dying. I didn't see how I could ever over come this. I thought my life was over. I prayed so hard to keep my pregnancy a healthy one. I did everything to protect him. To know that my body has failed, and it physically bruised him makes me feel terrible. Recovering was not easy. I had two blood transfusions and was on morphine for 4 days. My blood pressure was dropping very quickly. A doctor that was not assigned to me came in out of nowhere and realized my morphine dose was too high. He quickly got me off and gave me pain killers (Tylenol). Again I could had died. I never saw that Doctor again to thank him for checking up on me before it was too late. Sometimes I think Jaedin was looking after me during my hospital stay. I wasn't doing good at all. I felt like I was well beyond my 23 years. I grew up 5 years that week. I managed to leave the hospital and go directly to the funeral home and start preparing the service for the following day. The funeral was well done. All my friends and my boyfriend's friends and family came to support us during this difficult time. It has been 4 months now. I'm coping with everything. I have my mother's support. She was my life saviour. Jaedin's daddy and I are no longer together. I visit my baby every Sunday. I have plenty of pictures (nurse's gave them to me) and memories. Jaedin, mommy loves you and thinks about what you would have been; your first words, first broken heart. I would never forget the joy you brought to me. It is an experience I will never forget. I'll see you at the gates! Love, Mommy
|
