Stories of Lost Children
Dearest Trevor
by Staci Tober, Indianapolis, IN, U.S.A.
This is a letter I wrote to my dear child Trevor, on the year anniversary of his death. He was taken from us on April 2, 2002. He was at his daycare, when the provider left him alone in a recalled swing and he strangled. This letter tells how I feel one year later. My dearest Trevor, It's been a year since you were taken from us, and a lot has happened in that year. I have been on a constant roller coaster of emotions. From being so devastated that I can't get out of bed, to seeming to go on with regular life as if you've been gone for years. In an instant, I can't believe it's been a year, and in the next instant, it feels like a lifetime since that moment I got the phone call about the accident. Trevor, the moment I got the phone call, I knew in my heart you were gone. Please tell me someday that a beautiful angel came to you and helped you through that horrible experience you had. For three days I watched you in the hospital, wondering why you were chosen to go through something so terrible. I couldn't imagine the pain you suffered. That is why I try to convince myself, you were instantly taken to Heaven. I want you to know that if I could have been there to help you through, I would have been. First of all, I wouldn't have let it happen, but you can't imagine how helpless and sad I felt, knowing that I wasn't there to prevent this from happening. And to make it worse, I couldn't make you better. When I was holding you those days in the hospital, I was memorizing everything about you. Letting your skin and scent become mine. I never want to forget that. I kept saying over and over how you came from me, I made you. I love you with every ounce of my being and every shred of my soul. You are my first born son. I was so looking forward to raising you. I wanted to know what it was like to raise a boy. You were such a joy those 8 months. A sweet little boy. I only hope you understand and want me to have this experience with Michael. I never want you to feel like I'm replacing you. I'm not. I want to be able to share my love with another little boy, just like I did with you. I want you to know in the last year, I have come to terms with the fact that I will have to wait until I die to see and hold you again, but with the help of many people, I now know I am not afraid of dying. I know you will be right there waiting for me. I was not done holding you. When I look around the house at all the pictures of you, I am so glad we had you. You brighten my day just by looking at your pictures. That's why I have them all around the house. Anna really misses you. She talks about you all the time. She really had a connection with you. I hope you continue to be close with her. She should not have to go through this, but with your strength, she will survive. Do you hear her late at night when she talks to you? She wants to be a big sister so badly. She can't hardly wait for Michael to come. Daddy misses you too. He shows it differently than I do. He holds it in, somewhat. But you are in his heart, and I know you are helping him through this, as well. Trevor, not a day goes by that I don't think of you, and about those three days in the hospital. It's my way of keeping close to you. Maybe someday, the visions and images won't be so strong, but I will think of you still, everyday. I have burned your image into my heart and memory. I love you deeply, Trevor
I miss you terribly, Trevor
I will never forget you, Trevor
Until the next time I see you, Love Forever, Mommy
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