Stories of Lost Children
Helping to Heal - A Model of Bereavement Support
by Mary Ellen Herman, Toronto, Canada
When Spencer died, I went to his funeral. I never knew him, his two brothers or his parents. My connection was a tenuous one - a mere acquaintance with his maternal grandmother, a classmate of mine.
At the funeral, I saw a perfect family - two good-looking parents, two beautiful little boys, grandparents, even a great-grandparent. Outside the chapel was a small casket that these shattered lives would accompany to his gravesite. Two days later, I went to visit the bereaved parents. Why would one go to visit...how difficult a situation...what would I say? As a bereaved parent, there is only one response. You go and say, "I too have lost a child." After that a bond so strong has been created, that words are secondary. For Lesley, I listened. I answered her questions about the loss of my daughter 3 years earlier. I cried, I shook my head in outrage over the stupidity around us, the fear, the isolation, the hopelessness and despair. Well-meaning friends and family overwhelmed Lesley with books, articles, names of therapists and groups on hand. My simple offer to form a support group in our religious community became a lifeline. Unfortunately, it was not too difficult to find participants. In a very large synagogue like ours, with over 7,000 members, there seems to be at least one death of a child per year. I took the plunge and contacted 5 other women, who, not surprisingly, were willing to help support Lesley in her pain. This "sisterhood", or rather "motherhood", is a very powerful force. Fathers, too, were invited to join. Some came, more wanted to but felt uncomfortable or outnumbered. Eventually we evolved into offering several "couples" evenings throughout the year, but primarily it was the group of women who met bi-monthly for the first six months, and then on a monthly basis. Lots of extra telephone support was needed before holidays, birthdays and special events that serve to exacerbate the loss. Just having an ear to listen to when all your regular friends are busy or tired of this sadness, is an immeasurable help. After one year, as our group gathered around Spencer's gravestone to offer prayers and support, we have all moved forward on our own journeys. Being able to support, because of our own personal experience with loss, is a powerful way to transcend the finality of a child's death. Being needed to comfort and serve as a role model has helped all of us enormously, and will continue to do so. I believe the new life that Lesley is carrying into this world will have six new Godmothers who are taking responsibility and pride in the potential we all have for creativity and renewal. Written by Mary Ellen Herman, on May 9, 1999 - Mothers Day
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