The Purest Form of Possibility
It seems as if I blinked
and when my eyes were closed, I saw your daddy
I knew that he was forever
and I blinked again
opening my eyes to see where you were nestled in my belly
and they poured with tears of elation.
But the same day we were to learn you were with us,
I had to close my eyes for a surgery that would threaten your life and mine, and my eyes flooded even as they closed
with my hands resting over where I prayed you would become my next bump.
I opened my eyes and heard your heart still beating,
but just as quickly as I breathed life into my hope,
and you were gone.
We took such care to choose your name.
Aquene is a Miwok word for 'peace,' and next you were named for your aunt, who is the strongest woman I am honored to know.
She would have loved you more than any of us thought possible.
Through your short life, you changed me. You changed us. You touched so many lives.
we ache for you still.
I want to tell you I have peace, Aquene. I want to tell you that I gleaned some courage from your life and death.
But I carry you each and every day,
imagining your castle on a cloud, and I wish that God would have let us hold you.
Today it has been 538 days since we lost our purest form of possibility, and still I remember you
with every single blink.
Love you all my heart, sweet baby girl.
All our love, Mommy and Daddy