Kekoa Hikialani Roland Esteban-Avilla

May 09, 2011 - May 17, 2011

My dearest son,

Most days I'm so busy with your 4 sisters that I forget to say hello or even good night. It doesn't mean I have forgotten you or I'm missing you any less, because as soon as I get a spare moment even after 5 years of your passing, I still cry and become numb not having you. It's a unexplainable feeling that tears at my heart, leaves me breathless and questionable. I lose sight of what's in front of me and I have to remind myself of who needs me and why I am needed more here than with you. I'm scared of the person I become when I weep for you. I'm scared of being too distracted or weak when I'm absorbing your death. I don't want my story about you to always be sad. Losing you at 8 days old doesn't leave me with many memories to be positive about. I'm trying son. I'm trying to love myself again, I'm trying to forgive myself. I love you today and always, Jessica

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