1/3/2009Mourning sickness
I needed no test to tell me of your arrival.
I knew.
All day everyday I paid homage to the porcelain god
Bowing down, worshipping faithfully --
At home, at work--
Leaving my disgusting offering in the cool waters of his holiness.
I ate so many crackers…I thought I was going to turn into a friggin parrot.
Until I mustered up the courage to speak otherwise,
Your father thought you to be the flu
God, what I would give to catch that again.
When I went to the hospital I somehow knew our gig was up.
Emily Dickenson once wrote “what fortitude the soul contains, so that it can endure.”
Even though I somehow knew, when you left you took the sunshine with you.
My whole world became darkness and emptiness.
For what I am now left with there is no medical explaination of my condition
I googled every symptom with no avail
Its there when I wake up, at any given interval through out the day--
But mostly its when I go to bed,
the mourning sickness that is--
Some nights I’d swear your image is engraved on the inner side of my eye lids.
The moment they close, an animated showing of your birth and death loops in my head
stuck on eternal repeat
Your heartbeat and cries, even the absence of little laugh I will never get to know
all made the playlist on my internal iPod.
I listen all day long.
People talk-- I hear 120bpm’s of dtoo-dtoo-dtoo-dtoo
The granite diety that bares your sweet name offers me no solace or relief.
My offering now -- flowers and tears – in the unforgiving dust of your resting place.
Some days when go to see you
I think about throwing myself- or what’s left of me-
On top of you to sheild you from the cold.
I get so sick every moment I am not in your physical presence...
So like I did in the beginning-
I am just going to have to get through this part without any help.
I will just suffer through the mourning sickness—because like morning sickness
Its all worth it when you see that baby in the end.
The only difference in morning sickness and mourning sickness….....is.. U, Addison. ..
