10-22-03 - 10-22-03

Keeping the Faith

I wanted to try to give some comfort to those who have had miscarriages or lost a baby soon after birth. I have had three miscarriages and I have also lost a son 11 hours after birth. The miscarriages were hard because you think you do everything right that everything is going to be fine that it couldn’t happen to me. I had my first miscarriage at 12 weeks it was so devastating I didn't know what to do how to feel. I thought about it all the time and kept questioning God asking why did this happen why did you bless me with this child and then take him back before I even got to see him or enjoy him. I wanted to try again, the whole time in my head I was going every day hoping that this wasn't the day, just let us get through another day. This time the doctors tried to pay special attention to my situation and did everything they could to help us but I ended up losing this child to at 9 weeks. I was so upset and found myself asking the same questions. At one point!

I think I even stopped talking to God because how and why could he do this to me again, now it sounds to selfish to me after everything Jesus went through for us. Despite all this I got pregnant again and thought the same thing that this couldn't happen to me again, but it did at 7 weeks and at this point I didn't think I was going to be able to have children because in the past I thought I was doing everything right I was getting the best possible care and that God had a different plan for me because no matter how much we think we are in control we are not God is the only one who is in control and has a special path and plan for us. It had been a couple of months and I wasn't taking any precautions or anything but I wasn't expecting to get pregnant again I had kind of came to terms with I wasn't going to have children I couldn't and didn't want to have to go through this over and over again. I had gotten pregnant again in 2003 I had strict orders from my many doctors to be on bed rest no to do anything strenuous just relax and read books. Even though it was hard for me just to sit and not do anything I didn't want anything to happen I was determined to have this child go to full term. I went for a couple ultrasounds by my 16th week I had them all the time to make sure everything was going as it should everything was fine, I heard his tiny little heart beat, saw his little hands, little feet his little nose even though I couldn't feel him inside me moving yet he was very active. But on my visit on the 17th I felt like I was leaking so I made an emergency appointment with my doctors and they checked me out and my bag of water had a tiny leak and it was losing water. I went to the hospital and had all kinds of tests done they said that everything including the baby were fine and that I had to be on strict bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy and that is what I did until the night of October 21st. I was laying in bed and I felt like I something was running down my leg I get up and go to the bathroom a!
nd see that I am bleeding and not a little it was so much that I had to wear a pad. We quickle rushed to the hospital and get to a room, they checked me and the baby and said that I was probably going to have the baby that night very shortly and about 20 minutes after they said that my water broke fully and they were prepping me for labor. I was sure in my head that even though it was early he was going to be okay we were at the best hospital we could be at. I went into labor and it only took one good push and our baby Justin was born at 2:00a.m. on October 22nd 2003. I kind of knew what to expect he was very small and his color wasn't normal healthy pink, he had a good cry though. I got to see him for about 5 seconds long enough to see him and say hi and they took him away. They got me cleaned up and moved to a different room and periodically they would come and tell me how he was doing for the first 2 hours. The first couple visits were as good as they could be he was responding everything looked great for a baby that was born at 21 weeks and weighed on 1 lb 7 oz. So I was feeling okay that everything was going to be fine with all the doctors helping him and that he would have to stay in the hospital for a while but that I would still have him here with me to love and take care of and cherish. I went in to see him a couple times but each time I went into see him he would start to have breathing problems and I could watch them stick this and do that to this little baby, I put it in Gods hands and begged him to help our baby and to help the doctors know what to do, just please don't take another baby from me. The last time the neonatal doctor came in the room even though it has been 5 years it was like it was yesterday they came in and said it doesn't look good that he is going and i needed to go and say good bye to me son. My heart dropped to the floor i was kind of in disbelief that when I go to see him he was going to be fine he was just going through a tough couple of minutes that he was going to pull through. I get in the neonatal room and there are all these babies crying and all these parents smiling and rocking their babies, singing to them and here I was going to say good bye to my baby boy. I was already crying hysterically before I got to my son I turn the corner and I see all kinds of doctors and nurses around our baby trying to help him doing everything they could and I came closer and the more they did the more he wasn't responding its like he knew he was going to go he held on as long as he did so I could come and say good bye. I got enough strength to get up and hold my sons had and with all I had I tried to say good bye but it just couldn't come out, I should of said I will see you soon , I'm glad you don't have to suffer anymore thank you for blessing me by being here and giving me that joy of seeing you, only if I would of known then what I know now. They brought me my son all wrapped up like a new born so I can hold him one last time and say my good byes. I really didn't want to I didn't think I could hold my dead child and say everything I wanted to say. But I did and I am so glad I did I would of never got that chance again and I would of regretted it all my life if I didn't. So I got to hold my child and look at him and wish he was still here in my mind I was just wishing that he was sleeping and that he was going to wake up any minute, he had to. As I was holding and talking to my son just wishing he would come back, the strangest thing happened, he moved just a little bit and I knew it was like I hear you mom and I'm sorry I had to go please don't cry just be happy that I am with God and that I will always be with you, and I will be waiting for you to join me here. I left the hospital and didn't know really what to do and how to feel and what to say, In my mind i was so lost and felt so empty and so alone even though I had everyone right by me wanting to help. I couldn't sleep i didn't what to do next except that I had to go and plan my baby sons funeral and pick out a memorial and pick out some poems that somehow had to say what I was feeling and when I didn't even know. At this time we made the funeral arrangements and it was a cold October day, we had so much support even then i felt like just no one could possibly understand what i am going through, everyone did everything they could but nothing could bring my son back and make everything all better, it sounds so selfish now. It has been a couple of years but I still have baby clothes, hospital papers, pictures, grievance cards, I put it all away in a wooden box that my sister made him, and every year or when I need to I go through his things that I saved and I still cry but they are tears of joy of having him I know he is here with me and i will be with him again someday. God does things for a reason, he has a plan layed out for all of us. Things happen to us and we don't know why or we think that God isn't listening or he isn't paying attention to us or isn't hearing our prayers but have no doubts he is right beside us all the way. These miscarriages and the loss of my son has brought me so much closer to God because I was so far away questioning him of our losses. How and why would he do this to us doesnt he knew that we wanted these children sooo bad, we would be the best parents to these children. I knew he knew that that he must have a different plan for me, and he did. Sometimes we ask ourselves why did this have to happen to me, everything happens for a reason we don't know at the time why we think the whole world is against us but the truth is things happen, people are taken from us, the unthinkable happens, things don't go the way we think they should go, God is always there and he knows what he is doing, so please always have faith that God has a plan for you. I have two beautiful children now 3 and 1 a boy and a girl I did have problems with both pregnancies and they both came early 33 and 36 weeks but they are both here and healthy. God taketh away but he also giveth back. If you are reading this please I know what it feels like to have lost a baby ( 4 babies) and it seems like you cant go on that no one knows how you feel or that God is punishing you for something, none of this is true with help from God by going to church you will feel closer to God and to the child you have lost stay close to him he will help you. There are people out here that know exactly what you are going through and there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to be strong and know that there are wonderful things in store for you. I give all my thoughts and prayers to you losing a child is one of the hardest things your going to have to go through but please just ask God for his help get closer to him not farther away, he wants you to ask him for help he wants to be there for you when everything is going right or when everything seems to be going just ask him and include him in your life. He will make the impossible possible.


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