Alexandar Joseph Beck

None - January 17, 2002

Joe and I tried to concieve for almost 3 years we watched other couples marry and become parents that was hard we finally went to a fertility specialist and after 1 month I found out that a miricle happened in November of 2001 I became pregnant actually it was very special we found out on my sisters birthday who passed on 3 years before and to find out that I was bringing a life into the world on her birthday was remarkable it was very special to find out on that day.

Everyday was so exciting. I was so excited when I felt tired nauseated when my breast became sore because it was from that life growing inside me. Everyone was so excited for us. Well on 12/16 I went threw some bleeding and the doctor thought I was going through a miscarriage. I was depressed and then I wouldn't admit to it. The next day we had to do the blood work again and wait 2 days, and do it again to know if we were still pregnant or if indeed we lost it (it was so early the baby was to small to see by ultrasound). Well my baby or babies, I later learned, were still there! You can imagine my happiness. So we went through the name book and could not come up with a girls name but did with a boys. So I am convinced it was a boy.

After midnight just turning to Jan. 17, my husband called to say he would be leaving work around 1 A.M. and that moment I felt something gush from me. I went to get up from the couch, saw a lot of blood, and I got very scared. My husband Joe calmed me down and told me to call the doctor. He would be home as soon as he could. I called the doctor and he told me not to drive but to wait for Joe. He calmed me down. I talked with my friend who helped me keep control.

We went to the ER and they were already expecting us. Even though I should have been prepared for a miscarriage I was not; I was thinking the baby would be ok that it was just a normal thing. Well I went threw a pap test that just felt so painful and then the doctor told us I was going through a miscarriage. I was devasted.

Then we had an ultrassound done and the doctor came in and said I don't know how to really tell you but your baby is still there with a very strong heart beat. I was saved, the baby was ok, and thats all that mattered. Joe and the doc talked and I was lost in my thoughts. They both tried explaining that it must have been twins. One baby did not form and we lost one. And that was causing danger to the other baby. I would not hear of it. I was happy. Due to all the bleeding I had to stay for observation and Joe stayed by my side and never left even though I told him it was ok. He stayed.

At 6:45 a.m. it happened that we lost the other baby and it was so painful that I will never forget it. It didn't really hit me until later that the first couple of days telling people was as if I was talking about someone else. Then it hit hard and I was very sad, scared and afraid that I would forget my child. I didn't want to say it but when I saw this baby on a ultra sound he was only 27 MM big but still my baby. I was only 9 and half weeks but that was long enough for me to connect and to be devestated by the baby I would never watch see.

I now know he is with god and that eases the pain. I know I will always remeber that short lived pregnancy that short lived life will always be remembered and that he is very special in my heart.

Jamie Kay Beck

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