BabySteps - Bereavement Sharing Rooms

Stories of Other Loss

Re: Letter to Dr. Buscaglia
by S. Short
March 23, 1999
Dear Mr. Kalpin,
Your letter to Dr. Buscaglia was forwarded here by his publisher. The loss of a child is the worst thing I could imagine, so I know you must be going through a terrible period of adjustment. But the good thing is you are not wallowing in your grief -- you and your wife have taken a bad thing and turned it around, to be a helpful thing, with Baby Steps. Leo would approve.
I am sorry to have to tell you that we lost dear Leo a month after your Spencer died. He went to bed June 11 and did not see the light of the next day. June 12th is the official date of death, since it was after midnight.)
Thank you for your kind words about THE FALL OF FREDDIE THE LEAF. Many have found it helpful. Enclosed is an audiotape with Leo reading the book, then talking about loss and mourning. You will hopefully find this to be helpful as well. We were pleasantly surprised to learn last month that "Freddie" is a Best Seller again in Japan at the moment. It seems many middle management employees who have lost their jobs are finding it comforting, so it is helpful with this kind of "death" as well. More details can be found in the News section of Dr. Buscaglia's web site: www.buscaglia.com.
If you don't mind, I would like to comment on some of the topics in your enclosed list.

"The initial shock"
The doctor at the hospital had some good advice, I thought. I remember this clearly, even though I was in shock, and had been up most of the night, because it was so "right." He said,
"You're in for some tough days. They may never get "good," but they will become more tolerable."
"What to say when there's nothing to say"
This is always so difficult, of course. I have a friend who lost his wife in a car wreck, and I had not seen him in many months, partly because he shut down his social life, and partly because I didn't know what to say. He was just "re-emerging" about the time of Leo's death, and he invited me to a summer picnic, along with several others. I was hoping to have some time alone with him to "just talk." That didn't happen, and it didn't need to. When I walked in, he came up to me and gave me a big, sincere hug...and nothing needed to be said. We communicated just fine. And that was enough.
"How relationships have changed"
The void created by death does change relationships. Nature abhors a vacuum, so the remaining parts shift and mutate to fill that void. Some people have to fall away, others who you never knew before come forward as new helpful friends.
The surprise for me was who was helpful. If I had made a list of people who I thought would be most supportive in a situation of loss, NONE of the those who have come forward the strongest would have been on that list! I suppose the lesson here is that Life is dynamic, always changing, and it is not for us to try to predict or control it. Life has a Life of it's own. And so do relationships.
"Where do we go from here?"
There seem to me to be two options:
1. Hide your head under a blanket and mope away the rest of your life. This is wasteful and hurtful for both you and everyone you know.
2. Properly grieve, always remember, and reconnect with Life. Is there really any other choice?
"Words of comfort"
The absolute best thing anyone said to me was
"It is so sad for everyone that he is gone, but we still have you, and that's a good thing!"
This recognizes the loss, but also acknowledges the new reality: those of us who remain must appreciate what we have left, which is each other.
"Insensitive things people say"
I think we should all be as understanding as possible when anyone is strong enough to approach us with even an attempt to be comforting. As already stated, nobody knows what to say, so we all fumble and make mistakes--doing the best we can.
That being said, however, this is the statement that irked me the most:
"Now he's one of God's angels."
Now on the face of it, that was absolutely meant to be uplifting and comforting, so how could I be upset with that kind statement? Well, because of this: God has LEGIONS of angels! What does he need with another one?! I, on the other hand, only had one angel...and I miss him!
"How have emotions changed?"
Several people said right after the death that "Time is your best ally, things will improve." My inner thought was, "Yeah, right." But, months later, I have to admit they were right. I think three days without tears is my maximum so far, but the "valleys" are not as deep as before. Emotions are leveling out. So emotions are more normal--I can't say "back to normal," but definitely "more normal."
"How to deal with birthdays and anniversaries"
That is really yet to be seen. Someone did give me this piece of advice, which has been good to know:
People always warn you about special dates -- birthdays, holidays, etc. But you can prepare for those. You know they're coming. The really difficult times are the everyday events, the little surprises: you'll be just fine, and then you open a drawer you haven't seen before, and there's a reminder. You hear something on the news, or a song on the radio, or someone uses a pet word or phrase. Those are the tough times, because there is no way to prepare for them. "Eruptions," I call them.
Christmas, for instance, took care of itself. I was busy - and tried to create a couple of new traditions -- so this wasn't too unusual. I was surrounded by people, and busy-busy-busy. It was AFTER the holidays that was tough. Now I no longer had these fun outside distractions. Now I had just me. And that was sad.
But it IS sad. There's no denying it. Oh, you can try, and even succeed, for a while. But eventually the sadness must have it's way. Let it out, experience it, learn from it, even wallow it for a while. Then put it aside, and move on.
Goodness me! I did NOT intend to go on quite so long! But I think that's the value of what you're doing. Nobody understands, or they don't want to hear, unless they've experienced it. It's emotional for you to have to sift through all of these letters, but I hope that is healing for you as well.
These comments are not about the death of a child, but I hope they are universal enough to be somewhat helpful.
Wishing you well in your project,
S. Short
Co-Trustee and Office Manager

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Stories of Other Loss
Re: Letter to Dr. Buscaglia by S. Short March 23, 1999 Dear Mr. Kalpin, Your letter to Dr. Buscaglia was forwarded here by his publisher. The loss of a child is the worst thing I could imagine, so I know you must be going through a terrible period of adjustment. But the good thing is you are not wallowing in your grief -- you and your wife have taken a bad thing and turned it around, to be a helpful thing, with Baby Steps. Leo would approve. I am sorry to have to tell you that we lost dear Leo a month after your Spencer died. He went to bed June 11 and did not see the light of the next day. June 12th is the official date of death, since it was after midnight.) Thank you for your kind words about THE FALL OF FREDDIE THE LEAF. Many have found it helpful. Enclosed is an audiotape with Leo reading the book, then talking about loss and mourning. You will hopefully find this to be helpful as well. We were pleasantly surprised to learn last month that "Freddie" is a Best Seller again in Japan at the moment. It seems many middle management employees who have lost their jobs are finding it comforting, so it is helpful with this kind of "death" as well. More details can be found in the News section of Dr. Buscaglia's web site: www.buscaglia.com. If you don't mind, I would like to comment on some of the topics in your enclosed list. "The initial shock" The doctor at the hospital had some good advice, I thought. I remember this clearly, even though I was in shock, and had been up most of the night, because it was so "right." He said, "You're in for some tough days. They may never get "good," but they will become more tolerable." "What to say when there's nothing to say" This is always so difficult, of course. I have a friend who lost his wife in a car wreck, and I had not seen him in many months, partly because he shut down his social life, and partly because I didn't know what to say. He was just "re-emerging" about the time of Leo's death, and he invited me to a summer picnic, along with several others. I was hoping to have some time alone with him to "just talk." That didn't happen, and it didn't need to. When I walked in, he came up to me and gave me a big, sincere hug...and nothing needed to be said. We communicated just fine. And that was enough. "How relationships have changed" The void created by death does change relationships. Nature abhors a vacuum, so the remaining parts shift and mutate to fill that void. Some people have to fall away, others who you never knew before come forward as new helpful friends. The surprise for me was who was helpful. If I had made a list of people who I thought would be most supportive in a situation of loss, NONE of the those who have come forward the strongest would have been on that list! I suppose the lesson here is that Life is dynamic, always changing, and it is not for us to try to predict or control it. Life has a Life of it's own. And so do relationships. "Where do we go from here?" There seem to me to be two options: 1. Hide your head under a blanket and mope away the rest of your life. This is wasteful and hurtful for both you and everyone you know. 2. Properly grieve, always remember, and reconnect with Life. Is there really any other choice? "Words of comfort" The absolute best thing anyone said to me was "It is so sad for everyone that he is gone, but we still have you, and that's a good thing!" This recognizes the loss, but also acknowledges the new reality: those of us who remain must appreciate what we have left, which is each other. "Insensitive things people say" I think we should all be as understanding as possible when anyone is strong enough to approach us with even an attempt to be comforting. As already stated, nobody knows what to say, so we all fumble and make mistakes--doing the best we can. That being said, however, this is the statement that irked me the most: "Now he's one of God's angels." Now on the face of it, that was absolutely meant to be uplifting and comforting, so how could I be upset with that kind statement? Well, because of this: God has LEGIONS of angels! What does he need with another one?! I, on the other hand, only had one angel...and I miss him! "How have emotions changed?" Several people said right after the death that "Time is your best ally, things will improve." My inner thought was, "Yeah, right." But, months later, I have to admit they were right. I think three days without tears is my maximum so far, but the "valleys" are not as deep as before. Emotions are leveling out. So emotions are more normal--I can't say "back to normal," but definitely "more normal." "How to deal with birthdays and anniversaries" That is really yet to be seen. Someone did give me this piece of advice, which has been good to know: People always warn you about special dates -- birthdays, holidays, etc. But you can prepare for those. You know they're coming. The really difficult times are the everyday events, the little surprises: you'll be just fine, and then you open a drawer you haven't seen before, and there's a reminder. You hear something on the news, or a song on the radio, or someone uses a pet word or phrase. Those are the tough times, because there is no way to prepare for them. "Eruptions," I call them. Christmas, for instance, took care of itself. I was busy - and tried to create a couple of new traditions -- so this wasn't too unusual. I was surrounded by people, and busy-busy-busy. It was AFTER the holidays that was tough. Now I no longer had these fun outside distractions. Now I had just me. And that was sad. But it IS sad. There's no denying it. Oh, you can try, and even succeed, for a while. But eventually the sadness must have it's way. Let it out, experience it, learn from it, even wallow it for a while. Then put it aside, and move on. Goodness me! I did NOT intend to go on quite so long! But I think that's the value of what you're doing. Nobody understands, or they don't want to hear, unless they've experienced it. It's emotional for you to have to sift through all of these letters, but I hope that is healing for you as well. These comments are not about the death of a child, but I hope they are universal enough to be somewhat helpful. Wishing you well in your project, S. Short Co-Trustee and Office Manager