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My Darling Niece
by Heather, Girard, U.S.A.

I have 3 daughters. I am the oldest of two children, there is me, and there is my younger brother by two years, Chad. We are both engaged to be married for the second time. He has a daugther, Constance, by an ex-girlfriend, but because of her mother's family, I have literally seen her once.

Last summer, my brother and his fiancee, Raquel, told us that they were expecting. I was thrilled to finally be an aunt. An aunt to a child Iwould really get to see and spend time with. I swear I think I was more excited waiting for this bundle of joy to arrive than I was waiting for my own kids to finally make thier appearances! Raquel was due on Thursday, January 15, 2004. On Thursday, January 8, I was doing nothing around the house, awaiting time for me to go to work from 3-12pm. Around 10-11am the phone rang, it was Chad saying that Raquel was in labor and the ambulance was on it's way (I heard it pulling up in the background), and the she could barely walk. I thought nothing of this, and told him that I would call our mom and our half-brother and see him at the hospital. I called my mom at work, and since my car was down at the time, I told her to pick me up on her way since she would practically have to pass by my house on her way there anyway, and then she could drop me off at work after I got a few snapshots and got to hold the baby. Then I called our half-brother, Georgie, and told him what was going on, and he must have gotten right up and left for the hospital since the next time I saw him was at the hospital.

The next phone call I got was my mom telling me that Chad had called her from the hospital telling her that they thought Raquel had a kidney infection and that she was so far along that they could not give her anything and that they were going to admit her. And then, a few moments later, I get another phone call from my mom telling me that Chad had called her and told her that the baby's heart rate had fallen and that they were taking Raquel in for an emergency c-section. She told me that she was leaving right then, and I told her that I would wait for her at the end of my driveway. She pulled up about 10-15 minutes later and for the next 10-15 minutes we talked about who the baby would look like and I told her that since she was having an emergency c-section that by the time we got there we would probably be holding a lil pink bundle (we knew it was a girl ahead of time), take some pics and be gone till the next day when we got to really fuss and fawn over her.We got to the hospital, got on the elevator, and THE MOMENT we stepped of the elevator I knew something was UP. The looks on the nurses faces directly across from us at the nurses station, it was like they knew who we were. My mom and I both heard my brother's voice say "Mom...Heather!" We turned our heads and he put his arms around our shoulders like he was hugging us and he said "Raquel is on her way to intensive care, they can't stop the bleeding, and the baby's dead" I froze. My mom immediately broke down. My brother helped her to a chair, as my half brother hugged me. I remember asking to use the phone, I called work and told them that I would NOT becoming in that night, and then I called home to tell my fiancee what was going on. He was shocked, to say the least. The only reason he stayed home was because my kids were going to be getting of the bus soon.

I tried to get message to everyone, my dad, my step-sister, the pastor, but riding down in the elevator with my brothers, and he kept saying "God, don't take them both away from me,not all in one day" well, 8 months of not smoking went out the window pretty quick. He knew everyone at the hospital (he drives wheelchair transport for a local ambulance company), which the news spread quick on the radio about her going into labor, and there we were trying to explain something like that when we didnt know why it would have happened in the first place. The first time I saw him literally shed a tear was when the hospital chaplain came to say some prayers for us and he asked the baby's name, and I had to tell him that her name was going to be Taylor Nicole. It wasn't until he was sayin the prayer, in the room, and when he used her name, did he really break down. Which broke me down. I really wish my fiancee was there then. I really needed him there right then. The next thing I knew we were out in the hallway and they were taking Raquel from the delivery room to Intensive Care, and they wheeled her right past us, she was still unconscious, and she was so pale from all the blood loss that you could not tell where she left off and the sheets began. They told Chad flat out that "if she starts bleeding again there is nothing we can do to stop it".

A short while later, a nurse came to us and asked us if we wanted to see Taylor. We said yes, and were taken to a room where we were to wait. When they brought her in, in a bassinet, the top covered with a blanket, my half-brother, Georgie, started bawling right next to me, which sent me flying off whatever I THOUGHT I was holding on to. Chad was unable to hold her at the time, he just placed his hand on her head, and kept saying I can't, I can't" until he left the room and sunk to the floor in the hallway. I held her, Raquel's mom held her, my mom held her, and even Raquel's dad held her. And we got pictures too. The camera I brought with me to take pictures of a proud Dad and an exhausted Mom holding thier pink bundle of joy, turned into taking pictures of a still baby and grieving relatives wondering why and how this could have ever happened. Taylor weighed in at 5lbs.110z and was 18 inches long. She looked just like Raquel, with dark hair, and had long feet like Chad's. He said the first thing she asked him when she was semi-lucid in the intensive care (after apologizing profusely, why we still don't know, it was not her fault), was "did she have your honker?" to which he chuckled and told her "no". We planned, we cried, I had to explain to my daughters what happened. I had to call friends and family, and it still did not seem real. Everyone was in shock. I did not realize that they cannot embalm babies. But luckily, immediate family were told to be at the funeral home 45 minutes earlier to view Taylor, and then they were going to close the casket and have the visiting hour before the service. The service and that was going to be it, because that was all we all thought that Chad and Raquel could handle. But when we arrived, the Funearl Director told us that he had not expected Taylor to look so good after alsmost a week (we had to wait until Raquel was out of the hosptial to have anything, of course), and that if they wanted an open casket, they would leave it open. And they did. Which in a way I think was good, at least everyone knew what she looked like, she is not a faceless person to grieve, they saw her, they saw how beautiful she was.

I did not take my daughters to the funeral. That was no place for a 10, 7, and 2 year old. They wrapped her in the blanket my mom was making for her at the time, and we had had one of the pictures that I took at the hospital blown up to put by her casket when we thought that it would be closed, in a pretty pink frame, and the neighbor made her a little sign that was left in the casket. I stood there as my brother kissed her on her forehead, and Raquel cried and told her again that she was sorry. And her parents were there and cried and cried and cried, and I was there crying and crying and crying. And as soon as I got into my car in the parking lot the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down came on the radio - and I had just told my fiancee the day before that every time I heard that song it made me think of Taylor, and that was it. I started bawling all over again.

I can't stop crying. I try to talk about it, and I try to get on with things, and nothing works. And I'm only the aunt, I can't even fathom how bad it is for them. They have already moved, because she cannot stand looking at the room that would have been Taylor's. She would have been six months old this past Thursday - and don't you know that 2 little girls and one little boy named Taylor crossed my path that day. I almost bawled on the spot. I don't think anyone understands how much I miss her. I think about her constantly. I know I need someone to talk about this with. Please help.

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