Stories of Lost Grandchildren
Juliana
by Sheila Milliman, Hampton, VA, U.S.A.
Born at 29 weeks, she was tiny and perfect, one little fist stuffed into her mouth. Her Apgar scores were 8 and 9. She was breathing well, Mommy was doing good, Daddy beamed, and off to the special care nursery she went. A few hours later the doctor said all her tests were good and barring complications she would be there for about 6 to 8 weeks. Proud grandmother went home to rest, only to hear the phone ring upon entering the house. Juliana died in her Mommy's arms and no one really knew why. Hurt, both new and old, squeezed grandma's heart. The need to be with her daughter, to be there to share her immense hurt was so great, the memories took over. You see, grandma had lost a 5 year old daughter at one point in her life and her mother had lost a daughter in her life and her grandmother had lost a daughter in her life. I needed to be with my daughter. The hurt never leaves you but it does fade. You can put it away in that little place in your heart because you have to and because it will always be there with you. Mommy and daddy would find this to be true and in time another baby came into this world leaving Juliana and her memories lovingly nestled in their hearts which is where she should be. She is also nestled in my heart. I will always remember that tiny fist stuffed in that tiny mouth. And Grandma has a special memory of Juliana. She opened her eyes when I first saw her and she never opened them again. They were wise eyes and I like to think that she knew that she would not be here long. I will always miss her, just as my grandmother missed her lost daughter, just as my mother missed her daughter, my sister Lindy, and just as I miss my lost daughter, Ginny. I tell my daughter Diana that we are so very lucky. We all have guardian angels who look after us, but we have 4 other angels who look after us and keep us in line so that one day we might get to hold them in our arms again. To every Mommy and daddy out there with this immense hurt, remember to live again and look towards the heavens because this is where your little one has gone and if we are very good in this life we will get to hold that small person again, brush that lock of hair, touch that small pert nose, kiss those rosy checks, look in wonder at small toes and feet, watch that small finger curl around your big one, touch those rose-bud lips, listen to the giggles, watch the twinkle in their eyes, and an infinite number of wonderful, beautiful and as yet unknown experiences.
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