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Stories of Lost Children

Emily Rose
by Rosie Pickering, Nuneaton, Warwickshire, England

We'd been trying for 18 months to have a baby when we were told by the infertility clinic that we couldn't have children naturally. After 3 miscarriages in my previous marriage, I thought it was down to my body letting me down but in fact, the problem was with my husband. But after the initial shock, we settled back down to life again, planning on starting IVF in 2001. But in Jan 01, we went to a routine appointment at the clinic and found out, to our amazement, I was pregnant naturally! We were so excited but scared for the first 3 months; I'd always lost my babies at 12 weeks. But with heparin treatment to thin my blood as a last resort, the docs had got me past 3 months and were were heading the right way. We had the anomoly scan at 21 weeks and Emily was fine. We didn't know the sex of our baby then, we wanted to be surprised at the birth. Little did we know that it was only going to be 2 days after the scan, we'd find out. 5th May 01, I woke up at 6 a.m. in pain. I didn't know what it was, I thought I just needed the toilet. But the pain got worse so my husband drove me to the Accident and Emergency at the local hospital, only 5 mins away. After being examined, the doctor's face said it all. I was fully dilated at 21 weeks. They told me I was going to have to deliver the baby naturally which I didn't want to do, knowing that my baby was still alive inside me and knowing that as soon as she was born, she'd die. But at 3:49 p.m., Emily Rose was born, silent and still but perfect and beautiful. We stayed with her until we had to leave her behind at 9 p.m. to go home. The next few hrs/days were spent in total desolation, all our hopes and dreams had been shattered. The funeral came and went, the pain remains. We have pictures of our baby angel and we visit her grave once a week. She's under a beautiful tree in the local cemetary.

We miss Emily so much, its been 2 months now and the pain is still very intense. We now know that I have a problem, my body 'rejects' babies for some reason so I'm going to see a specialist.

But we just want Emily back and I keep looking for a sign that she's happy in heaven. One day I might get one, and I might feel peace for the first time since she left us.


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