Stories of Lost Children
My Three Angels
by Leticia, New Braunfels, TX, U.S.A.
On January 28, 2016, I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time. My husband and I were so excited. At my first appointment, I found out I was having twins! I couldn't believe it, when I told my husband, he was in shock and we just laughed because we were so excited. The doctor had told me they were measuring a little small, but I didn't worry much since all my pregnancies before had always gone so smoothly and been healthy. At my next appointment (12 weeks), there were no heartbeats. As the doctor began to write "missed miscarriage" on the ultrasound notes, I broke down. The next day, I went into the hospital for another ultrasound to confirm. I had a D&C the next day. Our world fell apart. My husband lost his job, and we struggled to keep going. In June of the same year, I was so surprised to learn we were expecting again. I thought it was a gift from God since we weren't really trying to get pregnant, (all my other pregnancies, I always had to track my ovulation and we would take 6 plus months to get pregnant). Although we were still hurting from our loss, it gave us renewed hope. Every appointment I heard the strong heartbeat and was so relieved each time. At 13 weeks, we told our families, but not our kids yet (a 10 yr old, 4 yr old and 2 yr old) because we wanted to wait to know the gender. At our 19 week ultrasound we found out we were having a girl, we could not have been happier, we went and bought pink cupcakes to surprise the kids with the news that they were going to have a baby sister. Our kids were so excited and happy. A week later, I got a call from my doctor saying she was referring me to a specialist because there were a few things they wanted to double check on the baby. They had noticed that the baby had choroid plexus cysts in the brain, and saw some fluid in the abdomen. She told me the cysts can sometimes be in healthy babies too, so she wasn't that concerned about it, but wanted a specialist to take a closer look. I went to my specialist appointment and all she had for me was bad news. The baby had the cysts, fluid in the abdomen and her heart had a defect. She told me I should terminate and by law I had until 22 weeks (I was 21 weeks at the time). I cried so hard in that office, when I could finally talk, I told her that was not even an option for me, so I didn't even want to hear it again. I felt that as long as my baby was alive, maybe there was hope. From there, I continued going to my primary doctors appointments, my specialists appointments, and saw a fetal cardiologist for the heart defect that she determined could be operated on after birth. I felt worried , but hopeful. I prayed so hard everyday. Everyday I felt her move, I thanked God. On a Monday morning, I felt her move for the last time. I thought maybe she was just resting, so I tried drinking juice, playing music, etc. to try to wake her. Nothing. I went to see the specialist, and there was no movement, no heartbeat. I wanted to die too. She made it to 28 weeks. I went to the hospital the next day and got induced. Labor was rougher this time than my other deliveries. I held her, my husband chose not to see her. Too me, she was perfect and so beautiful. I felt so helpless that I couldn't keep her alive. I did a prayer and blessing with the hospital chaplain. I was released from the hospital the next day, felt so horrible and unnatural to leave empty-handed and so heartbroken. Her funeral was a week later. We decided on just me and my husband and our Pastor to be there. Its been a month since her passing, and I don't know how I've carried on. I just focus on my children and taking care of them. I know I can't let my grief overtake me, but its so hard. I pray everyday for renewed strength. I also pray for other families that go through the loss of a child. I feel there is no greater pain for a parent.
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