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Stories of Lost Children

34 Weeks
by N.C., Niagara, ON, Canada

In January, we decided that we would try to have a baby. In February, my father in law passed away and it was a loss that devastated our family. On April 1st, we found out that we were expecting our first child. My husband and I are both born in April and felt that she was our birthday gift from my father in law. I was excited to bring joy into the world after experiencing loss.

My pregnancy was healthy and everything was perfectly normal. I was taking care of myself and making sure to do everything to ensure we would have a healthy baby.

At 34 weeks, I was going to the doctor for my usual prenatal appointment. I was weighed, gave a urine sample and my doctor took my blood pressure and measured my stomach. Everything was perfect as usual. I asked the doctor how much the baby would weigh full term and he said that the baby is about 5lbs now and that he wouldn't know until further along as every baby grows differently. Then my doctor went to check the heartbeat... silence. He pulled out the machine to do an ultrasound to verify. It took a minute for the machine to start up. He showed me her heart and that there was no longer a heartbeat. He apologized and I couldn't believe it. At 34 weeks, it's not something you would expect especially after feeling your baby move the night before your appointment.

He told me that I could wait a week to process, but that labour may progress naturally. He said I could come back in later in the day as well if I was ready.

My husband normally hadn't come to my appointments since he works different shifts. He had come to my ultrasounds and the appointment after the ultrasound, but I was healthy and never felt the need for him to come. I went to my car and had to call him to tell him. I felt like I had to be the one to break his heart and tell him. It was horrible because he works an hour away and carpools to work and had to find his way home. I waited in the car for a long time before I was ready to drive home. As I was pulling out a car pulled up behind me and started honking like I was pulling out too slowly but they had just got there. It's a small parking lot and I was so mad. I felt like putting my car in park and screaming at them.
My husband’s mom came to our house since she was close by and I called the doctor to go back in to the office and find out what our next steps were. We were then sent to the hospital.

The hospital did another ultrasound to confirm. They took 22 vials of blood for different tests. I was given a drug to be induced for labour. They said that the drug worked very slowly and that it would just prepare my cervix for labour. Around midnight our mothers went and stayed at our house and I took a sleeping pill and three tylenol. Soon after someone had delivered their baby and everyone was cheering and clapping. It felt like a slap in the face because no one would cheer when my baby came into the world. I woke up at 3am in pain and asked the nurse for morphine. I woke up again at 7am and needed more morphine. They brought in breakfast which was the worst food I've ever had but you just eat it because you don't want to eat anyways but know that you have to.

In the morning, the doctor doing deliveries changed to a horrible doctor who was incredibly insensitive and hard to understand. Of course, he came in when my husband went to go get me a tea and him some coffee - I wish my husband had been there when the doctor was talking back to me about how he's been doing this for 30 years when all I was trying to do was ask questions. The doctor was in such a rush to get me into labour and I wasn't ready to be rushed into anything. I just started bawling after he left the room. Fortunately, the nurse was great and she explained everything to me after the doctor left. I took the medicine that was supposed to speed things along. Our moms came back to the hospital and in a few hours’ contractions were coming along and I knew labour was coming whether I was ready or not. At 10am I had more morphine, but because the doctor and the nurse said that things would take a while still because I was only 2cm dilated I didn't want the he epidural yet.

The next hour was a blur of pain and I asked for the epidural. They said I was 5cm and that it was a good time to have the epidural. Every time I had a contraction the pain was so unbearable I felt like I was going to throw up. The nurse helped me up and my mom held me as they prepared to give me the epidural. The nurse tried to get me in position by demonstrating how I should sit. As soon as I was in position I felt that she was coming. I didn't want to have the baby without the epidural. I felt like I couldn't experience that much physical pain while going through all the emotional pain. I had to have the baby without the epidural. It felt like I was ripped in half and they ripped out my heart along with my baby girl. I was shaking so bad after she came out from the drugs. It took a long time for the placenta to come and the doctor said they would have to put me to sleep if it didn't come soon. It eventually came -thank God because I didn't want to be going through any procedure with this doctor.

I didn't think I would be okay to hold her, but after I saw her and she was beautiful and looked perfect, I felt like I had to hold her and hold her little hand. We hadn't decided on a name and I felt like it was so unfair to have to decide after knowing she had died. It felt so unfair to have to decide between having a burial or cremating her when I was struggling days before with whether to bottle feed or breastfeed.
We named her Lucia, which means light in Latin, she will be our light in this darkness. She was baptised and everyone took turns holding her. It broke my heart that she was perfect. It just didn't make sense that she could be so perfect yet something so wrong happened for her not to be alive. The doctor said that she had passed in the last 24 hours as well, which meant that she died early in the morning of my appointment.

We decided to have her cremated and will be doing a ceremony next weekend. I feel so empty now physically and emotionally. It was hard to go home without her after carrying her for the last 34 weeks. It was awful to be wheeled out of the hospital while some lady pushed her stroller behind us. It wasn't how things were supposed to be. I wasn't supposed to go through that and leave without my baby.
When I went home my dog knew right away and started crying. It broke my heart because he loved her too; he had lie next to her and felt her kicks.

Because this was my first pregnancy I can't imagine going through this again. I feel like it's too soon to think about having a child after this loss, but I've never imagined my life without a child. I feel like my baby was stolen from me and maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. The night before my appointment I had a dream that I had gotten pregnant right after our baby girl came. I didn't understand the dream in the morning, but I felt like it was supposed to be a warning so I wouldn't be blindsided and also a comfort that we would have a baby in the future.

In time, I'm sure that I will heal physically, but I feel like there will always be an emptiness inside that will always wish for my baby girl to be with us.


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