Stories of Lost Children
An Angels Tears
by Leanne Hicks, Toledo, OH, U.S.A.
I was 17 yrs old and pregnant. My mother was devistated and my father was speechless (if you consider attention glued to a basketball game instead of the news he was just told). I was happy. I was going to have soomeone who counted on me and needed me for everything in their life. I was to be someone who would show an undying love to someone else for the first time in my life. Things were bumpy at first but I thought they got better. I started cramping at 9 wks and had my first ultrasound my mother was with me. It wasn't until that moment it was a reality that I had someone alive inside me. My mother and I cried. But unexpectantly the relationship with my parents was to stressful to continue staying at home so I moved in with my then boyfriend's parents since he was 2 1/2 hrs away at school (he was 21 and in college). At 20 wks the doctor said that if I had anymore problems I was to be on bedrest and i would have to have a tutor for school.. but 5 short weeks later my daughter came bolting into my life. Brittany Alexandra was born on April 25th, 1992 weighing in at 1lbs 6oz. 12 1/4 in. long at 3:43 am...a very BIG name for a very small baby but she was my lil angel. When she was born they took her away cleaned her up and for the remainder of her very, very short life had tubes and wires comming out of everywhere. My little angel could not live without medical intervention that was apparent for the size. The first time I looked at her I fell in love with this small little miracle. I spent every moment with her (except for shift changes only because it wasnt allowed). I touched her all the time I tickled her tiny feet but but 7:30 pm things had changed the nurse came to get me not 5 minutes before my parents were at the hospital with me. The nurse explained that my daughter was not doing well and wasn't expected to make it. Me and my parents rushed to the NICU level 3 where my baby's incubator (house my son calls it) was. They brought a rocker and the chaplain was called. My daughter's nurses Ann and Peggy were at my side along with my parents. Then my daughter's doctor came over and said that we needed to have her baptized if that was our wished, I agreed. He stated her lungs were too immature and they were going to be her downfall and that she really wasn't going to live. With that said, my father left the room. He later said he couldn't take it because it was deja vu (I was also a premie and they went through the same things all except I didn't die). BRITTANY'S nurses both looked at me and Ann said with tears in her eyes, "Leanne you need to tell Brittany she can go. She is waiting for your approval". It took me a minute to register that she was telling me to tell my baby to die. I looked at her and gave her a kiss and I whispered in her ear, "Britt baby, you have my permission to go to heaven. I LOVE YOU very much for ever and always." Within a minute or so she was gone. My baby was now a very little angel.
Ann told me and my mom to go to my room that they would clean her up and bring her to me. About 5 minutes later Brittany was there all cleaned up, a new diaper on and a tiny tiny pink and white night gown rapped in a angel teddy bear recieving blanket. I checked her out all over, fingers, toes; her eyes were blue and her hair was blonde oh was she beautiful! My dad held her and cried. As he handed her back the only words that came out of his mouth was, "now she was with his mother (who died when he was 11 yrs and she wanted a girl so badly but only had the chance to have 2 boys) in heaven." I noticed it was raining outside. Angel Tears was the only way to explain it. I cried for 8 hrs straight with no sleep. I finally fell asleep at 7 a.m. and was discharged from the hospital, so I was more exhausted. The funeral was 2 days later. This experience was the worst I have ever experienced in my life but it was the best, because I met the most wonderful little person, who was mine and taught me that life is too short for everyone. One minute they are there the next they're a memory. But my little girl is not a memory. She is with me every day and I thank god for her every day of my life. To my Britty: I love you! You are my heart, my soul and every feeling in between. Love always, Mommy
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