Stories of Lost Children
Jameson Thomas
by Brooke Durfey, Dunkirk, NY, U.S.A.
My name is Brooke Durfey. I am 25 years old and have been married to my husband for 2 years. My husband Ben and I have been trying to have a baby for three years without success. In January 2012 we started going to an infertility clinic to help us come to a conclusion as to why I was unable to fall pregnant. I found out that I had a condition called PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) where I do not ovulate so therefore not able to get pregnant. After shots and pills and trying different methods and combinations we found what finally worked for me. In June 2012 we tried our first round of IUI and it did not take. After being heartbroken and never feeling as though I was able to get pregnant we tried again on September 14, 2012 and two weeks later we took a pregnancy test to find out that we were expecting. My husband and I were both beyond ecstatic and could not wait to be parents. In October we took pregnancy announcement pictures to reveal to our families but after the 12 week mark so that we knew we were "in the clear". My pregnancy was wonderful, I never had heartburn or morning sickness and I lost 20 lbs throughout. At my 22 week ultrasound they told me that my amniotic fluid looked low but to drink a lot of water and to rest. I went back at my 24 week ultrasound to find that I had lost almost all of my fluid and that my son's kidney's were not functioning. The hospital that I originally went to told me that he would not survive and I could stay in the hospital and wait for him to die or I could go home and wait. Devastated I went home and waited for my world to fall apart while in the meanwhile he was kicking and moving and growing inside of me still. My husband and I decided to get a second opinion where they diagnosed my son with a kidney disease called ARPKD. They told me he would most likely not make it but had hope that if he made it to full term that they would do everything that they could to keep him alive or at least control his pain so he would not suffer. I went to doctor appointments every week to check up on the little guy and his heartbeat was always great but his kidneys kept getting bigger. At 34 weeks 2 days I went to the hospital after having 3 days worth of labor pains and they told me I was 2 cm dilated. I was admitted into the hospital and after 1 hour I was already 4 cm dilated and they needed me to make a decision on if I was going to give birth vaginally, which could cause him more stress, or a c-section where it could cause me complications. Naturally I chose a c-section because I will forever put his health before my own. At 5:42 pm on April 25, 2013 I gave birth to a 7lb 4 oz baby boy who never took a breathe on his own. As soon as he was born he was hooked up to a ventilator because his lungs were not strong enough on his own. My husband was able to go back to see him and saw his eyes open and got to hold his hand. They took him to the NICU so that they could work on him and get him stable. After my c-section was over they wheeled me into my room to recover and get some rest but with not knowing how my son was that was impossible. My mom and sister were there along with my husband and mother in law. As we were waiting the doctor came in to speak to us and explain how underdeveloped Jameson's lungs were and that they were going to try a procedure but it was unlikely to work. We discussed it and wanted to give Jameson every chance at life that we could. An hour later we went into the NICU to see my beautiful baby boy and we were hit with the devastating news that the procedure did not work and that his lungs are too little and will not work on their own. We spent all the time we could with him, taking pictures, baptizing him, crying, singing and just loving him as much as we could. While we were passing him around for family to hold his ventilator came out and instead of hurting him and making him suffer we decided to keep it out and let him go peacefully. He passed in my arms an hour later at 11:21 pm. I have never felt so empty, so alone, so mad at everyone and everything and repeating to myself why, why us? We stayed with him for hours later saying our goodbyes and having family come in to say goodbye as well. We took feet casts and did everything we could to have a piece of him. We were given a shadow box with his hats, blood pressure cuff, locks of his hair, hand prints and just everything we could possibly get. It was the most trying time of our lives and leaving the hospital without my child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but what made it bearable was the hospital staff and everything they had done for us. It has been 6 weeks and the pain has gotten worse because I had to endure my first Mother's Day without my son and in a week my husband will have to go through the same pain on Father's Day. Jameson may not be here physically but his spirit is with us and everyday we talk about him so that people know about him and that he is a part of us and that he did exist!
|
