Stories of Lost Children
My Son
by C.F., Tulsa, OK, U.S.A.
It has been 9 years in March. I remember like it was yesterday because I have not ever dealt with the issue. It has almost ruined my marriage and God only knows how much it has taken away from my 2 other children. Over time it has taken a toll on my health in one form or another. My wife's water broke at 22 weeks. We rushed her to the emergency room where she was told she was in labor and she was rushed into delivery. She was drugged up because of the pain. I watched as my son was born just 2 weeks shy of being able to save his life. He lived long enough for me to look into his eyes and then God took him. 1 week later I carried a small casket to a grave that I buried my son in. That had to have been the worst day in the lives of my family. To top everything, I buried my son on my 29th birthday. I always thought as the man of the family, my position had to be that I remain strong and bottle everything up while my family fell apart. I shed tears privately while my wife started thinking I was the coldest man on the face of the earth because I showed no emotion. Because we were still young, people gave us money to help buy a headstone for the grave. That money still sits just as it was given to us. My son still lays in an unmarked grave because I could never deal with the pain of the loss of my son. To this day I have never spoke of the way I feel. I have been to the grave several times on my own, but have only been with my wife one time. My wife was the most supportive human being ever with the kids and me while she was falling apart. She always said it was part of her grieving process. She would beg me to talk about everything, get help, or anything, instead of slowly self destructing. This is the first time in almost 9 years that I have said anything about how I feel. I still don't know how I feel about sharing, it was not the way I was raised. Maybe this is the first step to grieving and I can still hold my marriage together and I hope to God I have not alienated my other two boys to the point of hating me. I have fought with my belief in God and everything I was raised to believe. I always think that it is amazing that women on drugs have kids but God took away my son when I have always tried to do everything the "right way" and how could God take away the son of someone so amazing as my wife and then also put my boys through that pain, it was so unfair.
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