Stories of Lost Children
My Scarlet
by Jessica, Jacksonville, N.C., U.S.A.
Scarlet Michelle-Faye was born July 16, 2012. She was pronounced still born that same time. She was 36 +6 and her due date was in two weeks from when she was born, but was 8 lbs. 11 oz. I found this web site, and it’s the only thing I can turn to so that I can help get out a lot of feelings. I am active duty military, so my little girl served with me since October. At first it was really hard for me to except that I was pregnant again as I had just had a child 5 months before I was blessed with scarlet. In all the time I was carrying her i went through troubling times with her sister Lilly as her father took her from me while she was still a newborn and kept her from me till she was 8 months old. Scarlet was my sanity and my peace in coping with my first daughter being 13 hours away from me. At first when I found out I was pregnant i was in such a state of shock I couldn’t speak and could barely breathe. Scarlet’s father isn’t her sisters, but it was all the same to me that she was going to have a little sister, and as I got bigger I grew into the idea of being a new mommy again. I imagined getting to watch her grow up and all the different stages she would go through since I didn’t get to experience that with Lilly. She was such a pain lol she never stopped moving especially if I was talking and heaven forbid I sing lol; she loved the sound of my voice. I think the only thing she loved more than my voice was that of her step daddy’s voice. He'd speak and she'd migrate from the side she’s on to the side closest to him. I think she liked how at peace I felt while I was with him as I got bigger she would forever stay in my ribs, and I used to joke about all the times we went to our appointments. See when we would go listen to her heartbeat twice a week she would always turn a thirty minute appointment into a three hour appointment lol she loved the hospital, but I really think it was just people looking at her that she loved. I think that because she wouldn’t do what she was supposed to do so the doctors always had to ultrasound her and i think she liked the attention from others lol. She helped me in so many ways and on July 13th we went to a specialist because I was a high risk pregnancy and she was fine; she was healthier than me. I just don’t know what happened. all I would do is lay in bed because I was too big to do anything else... we went to our appointment on the 16th to listen to her heart and it had stopped beating. At first I didn’t understand what was going on even though I myself am a corpsman, but i just kept thinking please not again... not my baby not now, thinking turned into praying, praying to screaming even now I think about the woman that was in the same room and how she must have felt hearing me as in pain as I was, knowing she was due one day after me. And even now I feel guilty wondering why it couldn’t have been her instead of me, wondering what I did so wrong to deserve all of my children yanked from me. In all I have had three pregnancies now with only one living. My first never formed and was only maybe four weeks "along" my second was taken from me by her father, and now my little baby girl was still. I couldn’t bare the pain emotionally, and now truly know nothing on this earth will ever hurt me as that day did. They asked me if I had wanted to have her taken out that day or wait, and all I could think when they asked that is are you stupid; what mother wants to continue to carry her child that is passed. Why would she want to put herself through emotional torment? So I had told them to take her out. I had one of my best friends that strongly insisted to be with me in the room with me. There’s nothing more deafening in my heart than laying on a table having medical providers take out the child you’ve been carrying and have so long wanted to meet take out your child and NOT hear her cry. I can’t tell you how long I cried just by that after I recovered a little they let me hold her but my friend warned me not to look at anything but her face. See my little girl that was perfectly health on the 13th died not long after that, and started to decay inside me, but she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen; her and her sissy. They asked if I would want to keep her with me that night, but I couldn’t do it. I knew if i had kept her beside me I would have been declared clinically insane by morning time. I couldn’t bare thinking of having her beside me and not waking up to her cries. It hurt already to hold my baby as cold as she was. In all the time my baby was inside me she changed not only my world, but so many others. She gave me peace during every court date and helped me stay calm, she brought two rivaling sisters from my friends family back together and are now closer than ever, she gave my sweet fiancé Daniel the opportunity to be a father, helped her biological dad quit drugs, and gave me four of the best friends I could EVER ask for...one of which is my current roommate whom without I would probably have been hospitalized a lot more often. Scarlet sweetheart, you were my guardian angel and I miss you so so much and I feel so lost without you. I hate that at night I don’t get to hear your cry or see your beautiful chubby face. You were and are the spitting image of your daddy, and me and daddy Daniel miss and love you so much. I hope that one day this pain will lessen and I know people say it will, but I just don’t know, I guess it’s something I just have to wait and find out, but now I am patiently awaiting my arrival back to my home thankful it won’t be too quiet since by the time I go back my 1 yr. and 3 month old Lilly will be with me even if it’s for a brief time, but I am dreading going back to the silence that is Scarlet’s urn and knowing instead mommy watching over her, she’s watching over mommy.
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