Stories of Lost Children
My Story
by Sabrina, St. Albans, WV, U.S.A.
My husband and I started ttc in June of 2010. We knew it may be a long journey because in 2007, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Which basically means I have cysts all over my ovaries which prvents ovulation. So my OBGYN told us to stop using bc and try for 6 months. So we did. After 6 months he did some blood work to check my progesterone and found out I wasn't ovulating. I had a tranvaginal ultrasound done which showed that I had hundreds of cysts all over my ovaries. My doctor recommended I have ovarian drilling done (a surgery where the cysts are destroyed to induce ovulation)So, I had the drilling done on May 2, 2011. It was successful. We had a positive pregnancy test on June 21st! We were so excited. My doctor had me come in to have blood work done to check my hcg levels and then scheduled my first appointment. We told all of our families and were so excited. Then one day before our firt ultrasound and appointment I woke up and noticed I was spotting. I went on in to work and called my doctor who went ahead and had me come in to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed our baby had not grown like it should have (only measuring 5 weeks when I was 8 weeks and 6 days) and there was no heartbeat. The scheduled a D&C for 2 days later and sent me home. However, I went on to miscarry the baby that night. I was unaware of the possibility that I would miscarry on my own and the physical pain that would be involved. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through...physically and emotionally. However, it didn't stop us from wanting a baby and after my first normal cycle we tried again, and we were successful again (positive pregnancy test on Sept. 22nd). We didn't tell anyone until our first ultrasound because of the fear that we would miscarry again. We had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and 6 days and we seen a heartbeat and the doctor gave us no indication anything was wrong. So we went ahead and told our families only to miscarry again at 8 weeks and 6 days. The same things happened. Woke up spotting and had an ultrasound and was told no heartbeat and baby was measuring smaller (I don't know why they didn't notice the baby was measuring small during first ultrasound and why nothing further was done to determine the problem). So, I miscarried on my own...again, and had another D&C. The doctor suggested testing me for Protein S Deficiency (a blood disorder where your blood is lacking a natural protein that prevents blood clots). I was tested and it was confirmed that I do have Protein S Deficiency. I have had a lot of trouble coping with the whole situation. I have good days and bad. The holidays, especially Christmas has been so hard. I have two sister-in-laws pregnant (one had her baby December 13th) and a co-worker (whom I share an office with) is now pregnant. I feel like being happy for everyone is work and sometimes I just can't. I am happy to be an aunt again. I love kids (I am an administrative assistant for a child care center), but it seems l!
ike I can't get a break. I haven't been ready to get pregnant again until I get the blood disorder under control. I want to make sure I am healthy before we try again. It seems like no one understands what I am going through. I feel like the expect me to be "over it" by now. Even my family. I was asked to throw my sister-in-laws baby shower! And that is hard for me. I am doing it because I want to be a good sister-in-law and aunt and I don't want anyone to be mad at me, but it has just made even more depressed. My sister-in-law found out she was pregnant 1 week after my first pregnany. Her due date is 2 weeks after my original due date. Christmas Eve was 2 months from my last miscarriage and some days are good, but a lot aren't. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed and face the world and it's happy pregnant people. I just need an outlet! Sorry I rambled on :) Thanks for listening and reading!
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