Stories of Lost Children
Loving Lucas
by Beth Tucker, Danville, VA, U.S.A.
On June 6th, 2011, I was 22 weeks pregnant. After not feeling movement over the weekend, I called the doctor just to be cautious. After having two kids already I figured it was probably nothing. Just to ease my mind, the doctor told me to come in. As I lay on the table sort of anxious, the doctor used the Doppler to search for an audible heartbeat. I honestly expected to hear that sound just as I had heard at all my other visits. After all, I just had an ultrasound two weeks prior and everything was fine. She searched and searched -- the only heartbeat heard was my own. I could tell by the look on the doctor's face that she was concerned. As I felt my hands start to sweat and my stomach twist in knots, she rolled in the ultrasound machine. Before she began she was joking about how old the equipment was and it had to warm up. We waited for a couple of minutes; seemed like hours to me in this weird silence. There on the ultrasound -- was Lucas- just still and as she pointed out his heart to me. I could see there was no flicker as I had seen before. At that moment I am not sure I was in my own body. I could feel myself just go inside this place; very hard to describe. Next the doctor helped me up and told me she was taking me to the "good" ultrasound machine where the radiology tech was to confirm what she suspected. I honestly don't remember making the steps down the hall to the room-- where I had just been two weeks earlier; oh my how things had changed. Another doctor followed her in and there on the ultrasound machine -- was my Lucas-- we all watched as the tech pointed out his heart and she looked at me and said she was sorry. At this point, I felt a feeling I have never felt before. It had always been someone else that went through the bad stuff-- not me... The horror and sheer panic set it. Lucas had passed away. The doctor helped me back to her office and gave me some tissues as I balled my eyes out. THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING! I had bought him clothes, fixed up his room, and most of all, I had bonded with him just like I had the other two. How could I survive this. I had to wait in that cold doctor's office -- and I didn't know what to do first.. Obviously I had to tell Vic. He was at work about an hour away.. I could not hardly even dial the number. About two hours later (yes I sat in that office all alone for about two hours) in came Vic. We both just broke down crying and hugging. I had never seen Vic cry like that. We had lost our son. So what was next we both asked the doctor. Maybe they would just admit me and cut him out, you know the easy way. As the doctor explained that I would have to go through labor. My heart sank. I would have to labor and deliver a baby that would never cry.. How cruel ! We decided to go to the hospital around 5 to give us time to make arrangements for our other two kids and for me to pack a bag. I will never forget that ride back home. I felt so empty that no one could have consoled me at that moment.
I was admitted to the hospital and three days later, Lucas Allan Tucker was born at 7:12 pm weighing 15 ounces.
To this day I have not watched the DVD the hospital made for me of me and Vic holding our son and telling him goodbye. I am not ready; I do not know when I will ever be ready to see it. I do have his ashes and I saved everything he touched in the hospital. I even have the tissue I wiped his little nose with when it bled during his blessing by the chaplain. Coming home was awkward-- how would I look at the ultrasound pics hanging on the fridge or what about his room that I had for him? The pics are down- the room has been packed up and put in a closet. I just can't get rid of any of HIS things yet. I feel it would be like me saying he never existed. And he did and he will forever be in my heart.
I wanted to share my story and if it helps anyone that's good too. Honestly, this is my selfish attempt at feeling better. Maybe sharing will make ME feel better. It's now been two months since I gave birth to Lucas and I cry most days. People have been very supportive and it helps, but the emptiness I feel may never go away.
I don't like hearing that there was something wrong with my son. There wasn't- the pathology report on the placenta showed a partial abruption no cause the doctor said-- it just happens sometimes. I had no pain, no blood, nothing. Just a gut feeling that something was not right. People have told me that God knows best, but I miss him so much. I never got to hear him cry; see his eyes looking up at me, or to rock him to sleep. I think my 8 year old son summed it up best; he told me the baby dying was like a nightmare. So profound I thought, because that is exactly how I felt. I have to learn to live again. My other two kids need me and I am very blessed to have them. Lucas was very loved by his mommy, daddy, sister Kamryn , and brother Chase. I will never forget my precious angel and I will always be Loving Luca
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