Stories of Lost Children
Missing Our Fighting Angel
by J., Reno, NV, U.S.A.
I spent the end of my pregnacy on bedrest due to high BP. I finally went into L&D with chest and back pain (liver) becuase I was in HELLP. I was a c/s and my 33w1d baby went to NICU. He fought for 27 days learning to eat, breath and finally we got to take him home. While in the NICU I took pictures every day. I didn't want to miss his life just because he was there, I am so thankful everyday I did this. Even when my husband would make snarky comments or tease me. On Friday 13th 2011 we got to bring Austin home, this was also the first time he got to meet his sister. Our life was perfect. Saturday we weren't very exciting just enjoyed being a family. Saturday night Austin was fussy and no where near his "schedule" that he had been on in NICU. We gave him a bath and tried to put him to bed. We were up almost every hour, it was a long night. Finally Sunday at 5 am he fell asleep for 3 hours. I was relieved when I woke up and it was 8am. I changed him and attempted to breastfeed him sidelaying. I had never tried this before but he latched right on. I fell asleep, when I woke up Austin's nose and my breast were full of blood. I feel like I should have known better. I, as a nurse, tell my patients all time not to sleep with there baby. I was my own worst patient. We attempted CPR and called 911 but we were too late. I feel like I sufficated my baby and even when people tell me "don't blame yourself" I have no one else to blame. We are still waiting on the autopsy to come back. I know I am not the only one to experience this and I am in need of guidance so please contact me masqur8r@yahoo.com
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