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Baby Elijah, Gone Too Soon
by S., St. Catharines, ON, Canada

My boyfriend and I were surprised to find out we were expecting, but delighted at the same time. Throughout the pregnancy I suffered from constant morning sickness and heartburn, but it was all worth it. We had many ultrasounds and got to see the baby many times, we decided to keep the sex a surprise. At every appointment we heard his strong heart beating away, and at ultrasounds the technician would comment on how lively and active the baby was. Around 25weeks in I started to notice swelling in my feet and legs that was beyond normal, I went to clinics and they found I had high blood pressure. My doctor thought nothing of it, and yet my blood pressure was high at every appointment. At 31 weeks his heart was beating strong and healthy, but my blood pressure was through the roof and I had to come back two days later to have it taken again. Again it was high, but no one thought anything of it. The next week at my normal appointment, we could not find a heartbeat. At that moment my world came crashing down. I was told that I would be induced and I would have to deliver my stillborn baby.

The next morning at 7:41am I gave birth to my son Elijah Alexander. They asked if I wanted to see and hold him...at first we said no. But thought of the regrets we may have had later on. Those few hours I had to hold my son and cuddle him are hours I wish I could have again and again. I would give up everything just to hold him and see him again. I feel like I failed not only him but everyone around me because my job was to give him life and I couldn't. It has not even been a week since this happened, and I stare at his bedroom day and night thinking about him. If I could just hold him again things would feel okay.

The name Elijah had never even been on our list of baby names, we had never suggested it or thought of it. When I was in labor the name came to me and I asked my boyfriend what he thought, he loved it. When the priest came in to bless him, he was surprised at the name Elijah. He told us Elijah had been a prophet and that the story was he had not died, he simply rode a fiery chariot up to heaven. Which is how we try and think of our son, he did not die he simply went to heaven.


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