Stories of Lost Children
Michael Patrick
by Sheila Moran, Charlestown, MA, U.S.A.
At 12 weeks pregnancy I found out that his bladder was unusually large and full. A week later it was clear there was a blockage, and eventually we learned that urine had backed up into the kidneys causing some unknown degree of damage. By 25 weeks, he seemed to stop producing enough urine to create enough amniotic fluid, and the level was graded as severe oligohydramnios(low amniotic fluid). Without fluid, we knew his lungs may not mature properly. We delivered at 34 weeks, because as he grew the risk of umbilical cord compression increased. We met our beautiful baby boy, Michael Patrick, on February 9, 2010 at 2:59pm. He let out some gurgly cries, and soon it was apparent that he needed help breathing. A breathing tube was inserted, but he still wasn't getting enough oxygen and the pressure from the breathing tube necessary to sustain the level he needed was too much for his lungs to handle. My husband and the doctors returned from the NICU to my room with my baby boy. We held him close, I kissed him and talked to him, he opened his eyes to look at me a few times, and he was just so beautiful and precious and small. He was 4 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long. He was so pink and healthy looking, but his lungs were just going to continue to cause him pain. They removed his breathing tube, and we were able to hold him and be with him until he went. Looking back i can hardly believe we really held him and I want so badly to have that time back again. That was Tuesday. Today is Friday. It's strange, but I am afraid of letting go of the pain and sadness I feel right now because it's what keeps me connected to him and I don't want to let it go. I don't want to leave the hospital. I don't want to feel better. I just want my baby. I am so sad. This last day is so hard because I have to say goodbye again and I’m just getting farther away from the time and the place where he was alive. I just miss him so much. I love you so much my sweet angel and we will miss you every day for as long as we live.
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