Stories of Lost Children
Hope's Story
by A., Bel Air, CA, U.S.A.
I found out I was pregnant with our second child on March 27, 2008. We were ecstatic. We have been trying for over 4 years to add to our family and this was the first time we were blessed. My first pregnancy went on text book perfect. I had always thought that our trouble was conceiving, but once we did, we would be ok. Once I made it through that dreaded first trimester-we began to plan for our baby even more. I had several ultrasounds and all was looking good until June 23, 2008, when at just over 18 weeks, my water broke. I just stood there as water poored out of me all over the bathroom floor. I knew I had to do something, but I just stood there numb until tears rolled down my face. My husband was at work. He called 911. At first they said my water hadn't broken, that it was probably loss of bladder control-but I knew they were wrong. I think they thought I was going crazy but I insisted on having an ultrasound even though both amniotic fluid tests had come back negative. After several hours we were honored the wish of the ultrasound and it was confirmed that my water had indeed broke. My baby was still alive-she had a heartbeat and we thought there had to be something they could do. We were wrong. They told us that without amniotic fluid, the baby's lungs and muscles can not develop properly and that I would have to deliver her. The thought of having to deliver my baby so early, when I knew she would not make it, just about destroyed me. I begged and pleaded with God asking for another option but there was none. The Dr. sent me home stating that I might go into labor on my own, making it a "little easier" but that we needed to use the time to access family support and decide a bunch of things we were not prepared for (would we name the child, would we bury the baby, would we hold her, etc.) The next 2 days were much of a blur. My doctor sent me to see a high risk specialist who concurred that I needed to have the baby soon as the risk of infection to me was far greater since the baby did not have a chance. I went back to the hospital on June 25, 2008 and the ultrasound told me that our baby was still alive. For 2 days she was hanging in there, fighting all the way with no water around her to protect her. The thought that she was a fighter up until the very end weighs heavily on my heart just because I feel so helpless that I could not do more to save her. Our daughter, who we named Hope, was born 7 hours later. Somewhere in the birthing process, she had passed away. I think of her everyday and just wish for one moment, she could have opened up her eyes to see the mother and father who already loved her so much. The loss of her is unbearable at times. I miss her and all of the plans we made. She was supposed to be born on November 22, 2008, so I knew we would have had a 6 day old baby to take to Thanksgiving dinner. The idea of being off and bonding with the baby during the Christmas holidays gave me so much joy since it is such a special time of year anyways. I pray that my family will be given an answer as to why this happened, since we still have no idea. I pray everyday for my angel, Hope, and try to find solace in knowing that she is being cared for by people who have passed on long before her. "Some people only dream of angels, we got to hold one in our arms."
I love you Hope, always will... and I will NEVER forget you. Please feel free to e-mail me at: amyjeans13@clearviewcatv.net
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