Stories of Lost Children
Mya Christine
by Rebekah Ant, Browning, MO, U.S.A.
We were so excited to go to the doctor for an ultrasound that we could barely grasp the words, "Your baby has stopped developing...Nature will take care of itself, maybe today maybe a month from now". The rest is all a blur, we were in total shock! This was supposed to be an exciting day and turned into a huge tragedy. The waiting was the worst part. I convinced myself that the doctor was wrong after 2 weeks, but that was short lived when on May 3,2006 it became a reality. I was told maybe if you name the baby you will find relief. Even with a beautiful name like Mya Christine I can't seem to shake this grief. We threw her a b-day party one year from her due date and still nothing. Others said to do a memorial service and that may help. My husband and I recently picked a spot, and began making the arrangements, but I feel like everything is starting over. I feel like screaming. I want to figure out a way to live in the present so that I can be a good wife and mother to my son. The days I feel like I am doing good and being their for the rest of my family, I feel guilty because I feel like I am being a bad mom to Mya by putting her on the back burner. I desperately need help, but am scared to death to go to a psch doctor since I was put on a drug that caused me to, on top of everything else, feel like killing myself. I went to my doc and told him so that he would change my meds, but instead he threw my in a psch hospital for 3 days. To top it off, I got lice from the place, caused my husband to fail out of college (since I was very paranoid after getting home from the hospital and could not stand to be alone if they came to take my baby or check on me). I can't trust doctors now. During the time when they threw me in the psch hospital, they also treatened to call CPS and have them take my other baby since my husband was not at that appointment with me and no one was available to get him. Thank God my sister was able to leave work to pick up my son before CPS was called. I had to move back "home" away from that state just to be able to believe that they couldn't take the only baby I had left. Now I am gun shy, but I know I need help. I am in couselling with my husband because this grief has changed me so much that it is taking a toll on my marriage. I love my husband and am desperately trying to get help to save our marriage. I can't imagine splitting up time with our son. I can't handle that thought. I just don't know how much more he can take. If you have any idea's I would love to hear them. You can email me at rebekah_ant@yahoo.com. Thanks for being a good listener!!
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