Stories of Lost Children
Missing Baby Ben
by Tammy H., Littleton, CO, U.S.A.
As a RN in a busy level III NICU for almost 20 years, I have certainly witnessed both miracles and heartache. However, my experience of the last few months, has left me heartbroken and lonely in my grief. I found this site trying to reconcile my loss. Baby "Ben" was born small at 26 weeks gestation, the child of a multiple drug addict. He was essentially abandoned, and the state had custody. I was his primary nurse, and grew to love his fighting spirit. The first time I held him, he became unusually peaceful, and I remembered why I became a nurse. Ben lived for 80 days, and died suddenly and unexpectedly while I was away for a few days. I always give the babies permission to stay or go, if this life became too hard for them, and I respect his decision to leave. I knew his life would not be easy, but I was doing all I could to nuture him, and encourage others to do the same. I worked on finding him a "forever home". I gave him a name that I thought suited him, sang him the abc's, bought and washed his toys and clothes...all those things that you would do for your child. Unfortunately, my loss is not recognized by many. I cry when I'm alone, trying to hide the grief from the other parents, nurses, and my own family. He wasn't my child, but he was. I miss him. I know I need to acknowledge my grief, and hope that someday the tears will turn to smiles. His forever home is now in my heart. Soon, there will be another baby born too soon, and I will be there to help their family through... Bless all of you have found this site. I wish you all peace and comfort. Tammy
|
