Stories of Lost Children
I Miss And Love You Beyond Words
by Silvia Estrada, Los Angeles, CA, U.S.A.
My lil bear, where did you go? I couldn't believe that I was going to be a mommy. As soon as I found out I began to take extra special care of my temple. We went to yoga, we ate the best food, I massaged my belly, I received regular massages, I meditated specially to connect with my baby. I remember the 1st time I heard your lil heart beat, I sent out a mass text saying how strong your lil heart was. Everything was perfect, I even went to hypno-birth classes to help us meet without any type of drugs, then 2days shy of your due date, on January 27th I went into labor, as I began preparing for your arrival I couldn't help but worry about your lil heart not beating anymore, perhaps it was because of a story I always think back to about a girl who went full term and her baby was a still birth. When I went to the hospital and they were looking for your heart beat I couldn't help but watch the Dr's facial expressions as she searched for it. You were gone Marley. My entire world crumbled and I lost my mind. I decided to birth you normally and you were born 8 hrs later. I had them put you on my chest and they allowed for you to sleep in my arms that entire night. I don't know if that was smart as I crave and miss your smell and your skin now. My body doesn't know your gone, my my body cries white tears. I feel so alone and just devastated. I don't remember who I was before you came into my life, this last year I devoted my entire world preparing for you. Now instead of spending my maternity leave enjoying and bonding with you, Im spending it grieving. I want to feel numb so that I can move on because the world keeps going and I have stopped. I want out. I miss you Marley Kai, and I just hope that you felt no pain. I love you beyond words.
Your mommy forever
Silvia, Venice Beach, CA.
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