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Stories of Lost Children

My Baby Lucas
by Tracey D, Pawcatuck, CT, U.S.A.

What a long journey it was to see my baby Lucas. I found out I was pregnant on mother's day. So exciting. He was going to be my second son! But things did not go as planned. I was put on bedrest at 28 Weeks with decreased amniotic fluid. I prayed every day asking to make it at least six more weeks. AND WE DID! My body held up six weeks to give Lucas a chance to grow to 4 lbs 1 oz and get steroids to help his lungs.

They delivered him by c/s on November 26, 2007. He came out screaming! At that moment my husband and I both broke down and cried like we never cried before. Sweet relief! He was out and breathing and doing well. So well he only stayed in the NICU for 10 days never needing help with his breathing - just supplemental feedings until my milk came in. Then one night he just stopped nursing. I couldn't get him to breastfeed at all. By that afternoon he was in the pediatric intensive care unit in shock from a massive infection in his blood. This infection soon led to meningitis.

After four days my husband and I decided to let him go. The poor baby was suffering so. They determined he had suffered a massive ischemic attack across his brain and had no cognitive function left. The neuro team said there was no real hope that he would ever be able to survive without a machine. My baby was gone. As quickly as he had come into my life, God took him away.

I have another son who is 19 months old, but I still can't seem to move on with life. I try to keep occupied with my other son, but I just get angry. I look at him and think he is not going to have his baby brother to play with and to love and take care of. I feed my son and think, "I should be nursing my Lucas". I can't sleep at night because I just keep thinking about my poor baby. I can't sleep. I can't deal. I want to not feel anything. I wish I didn't feel anything. I want to just go away. I want my Lucas back.


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