Stories of Lost Children
Kahlil
by JJ, Indianapolis, IN, U.S.A.
I was suprised to find out that I was pregnant...happy, but suprised. My best friend, 2 of my cousins, my aunt, and both of my sisters-in-law were also pregnant at the same time I was, so it was an exciting time for everyone. We all talked about how much fun it was going to be to have our babies grow up together and all be so close in age. I always thought that I would have trouble but obviously not since I was on depo-provera when I did. I have always wanted to be a mother more than anything. I love babies! I had a few problems throughout my pregnancy, but overall, I loved being pregnant. I loved everything about it. I found myself talking to my little guy and could not wait to get my hands on him and kiss and hug and cuddle him. I had my baby shower and had gotten so much stuff...I couldn't believe it.I went in for my 32 week check-up and thought everything was fine. Then the doctor could not find a heartbeat. My whole world came crashing down that very instant. How could this happen? Why? I was immediately taken to the hospital where the doctor wanted to induce my labor as soon as possible. What?!?! How can I go through with the delivery and not be able to take my precoius baby boy home with me? I wanted this nightmare to end. I was in a daze and could not really comprehend what was happening. All I really remember while I was in the hospital was thinking that this was a dream and I was going to wake up and it would be over. My eyes were swollen shut from all of the tears. My little guy was born on 9/7/07 at 5:07 am. He was 3 lb. 4 oz and 16 inches. All I could do was hold his tiny, limp body and think that this was the first and only time he would be in my arms. He was so precious and wonderful. He had my nose and so much hair. All that heartburn I had, I should have known. As I held my little man, I did not want to give him back because I knew it would be the last time I see him until I make it to heaven to be with him. I know there is a reason and a purpose for everything, but this is so unfair!!!! How could this happen? Why? How could I have failed him like this? I was supposed to keep him safe. I couldn't protect him. I felt so helpless and hopeless. I still don't understand all of this. I am having an extremely hard time dealing with all of the babies around me. The people I should be leaning on for support all have their babies and I don't! It is so hard to be around them. I want to be happy for them, but it is so hard! I love him and miss him so much. I don't know how I will ever go on with my life.
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