Stories of Lost Children
My Angel-JAEDON
by A., Sacramento, CA, U.S.A.
My husband and I were excited that we would be having a baby boy in mid-November. The ultrasound at 20 weeks was normal. We were confident that we would have had a healthy child because both of us are healthy. We are healthcare professionals and we both live healthy lives. Around 30 weeks of gestation, I started to feel tired and my belly felt swollen at times so I informed the doctors. The OB doctors did not think anything was wrong or offer any ultrasound. We planned to have our child where my big family lives so I could get help after birth. During the first appointment with my new OB, I was that told my belly was larger than expected and an ultrasound was ordered. On the day of the ultrasound, I was shocked to know my baby boy had fluid in his lungs as well as extra amniotic fluid. I was immediately admitted to the hospital. The first surgery was done in which the Doctor withdrew fluid from his chest cavities while he was still inside me. An hour later, he was born by C-section at 34 and a half weeks. He was so beautiful and full of hair. Jaedon was his name. He had my eyes and noses and his father's hair and forehead. He was so adorable. I did not have a chance to hold or touch him because he was rushed to the NICU right away for care. He began to fight for his life the moment he was born. His lungs were immature and the pressure from the fluid caused him to have respiratory distress. Breathing tube as well as chest tubes to drain the fluid were placed. His condition continued to turn worse so the next day his doctor decided to transfered him to another hospital where he was put him on ECMO, a heart lung machine to hopefully buy some times for his lungs to rest and mature. He was unstable on both the transportation and the surgery to place him on ECMO but he finally pulled through. I was there with him the everyday and some nights, although I could not touch him a lot and he was under heavy sedation the whole time. I pumped a lot of milk waiting to feed him once he is well and comes back home. Jaedon did well on the ECMO for 9 days later, he was off of the ECMO machine and did well. What still bothered everyone was the fact that nothing could account for the continuing significant amount of fluid draining from his lungs since all of the lab tests came back normal for any viral, blood or chromosomal disorders. Two days later, things turned worse and he was on a roller coaster with the breathing machine. On the 24th day, the doctors told us his condition is so unusual that they don't know what caused it. They told me that the chance of this happening is like a lightening strike and that there was nothing I did wrong or could have done better to help the situation. They basically told me there was nothing they could do anymore to save my little Jaedon. Jaedon was a fighter. He fought hard till the last minutes. He lived for 27 days. The doctors advised us to remove his respiratory support but we refused. We however decided to hold him because we knew he needed it and so did we. He passed away on November first, All Saint's Day, after we were able to hold him for several hours. It was the first time we were able to hold him... those precious moments. It was also the last time. He passed away in the warmth of his daddy's arms with the breathing tube still on for another five hours and in the presence of many other family members. He fought for his last breath. We bathed him that night and dressed him. After that we sat there for hours to watch him sleep peacefully for the first time. Jaedon, there will be no more IVs, no more breathing machine, no more chest tubes, no more medicines... just you, me and daddy. We walked with him the last walk to the cold room and kissed him good night. I have been asking God why my prayers were not answered. I asked God why he did not save my first and only child when all I have done is good deeds. I never steal, harm people, smoke, drink, do drugs, or gamble. I help others when I could and I believe in God, why this has to happen to me. I still don't have an answer. I just feel I'm a complete failure and I don't even know how to feel. Sometimes my emotions seem numbed. People told me I'm still young and still have many opportunities to have children but I'm so scare now. This is my first an only child and I'm so scare what may happen to me in the future. Jaedon, we proud of you for being such a fighter. We thank God for giving us 27 precious days with you so that we could touch his little hands and feet and talk to you each and everyday. I know you are an Angel now and you will be watching over me and daddy. I can now talk to you whenever I miss you or have something to think about. Please come to me in my dreams so I can touch you and kiss you as I always long for that. I miss you very very much Jaedon. I will remember you forever. Things will never be the same without you. Mom and Dad love you very much, Jaedon. Please write to me if you have any advice on how I can deal with it. Jaedon has passed away only a week ago and I'm very sad. Thanks. angeln9@gmail.com
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