Stories of Lost Children
Lily Mason - Mine &; God's Little Saint
by Rae Desmond, Louisville, KY, U.S.A.
My 3 yr. old had to go to the children's hospital this afternoon. I never imagined the emotions that would be faced with the journey. Chase is only two months older than his sister, my daughter, Lily was when she died. He contracted MRSA, a really terrible staff infection, he had been ill for about a week. After several visits to the pediatrician this week I was told to take him directly to the hospital. Chase is going to be fine, he had a medical procedure and is on antibiotics that will make him ok in about another week. What I was not prepared for was confronting the trauma room at the hospital where my precious daughter was pronounced dead. As we led to the exam room I could not help but glare at the room at the end of the hall. The doors were open and all the medical equipment and bed just glared out at me. Fortunately, the room was unoccupied but the double doors stood wide open. All I could think was seeing my lifeless daughter lying on that bed and how horrific that day was. I completely paniced and overreacted regarding my son's illness. The attending physician was very understanding. I was glad the room was empty. I never want to imagine another parent having to experience the loss I felt that day. As I glared into the space I remembered how surreal it felt and how comforting it was when my husband, Lily's father, came running into the trauma area. At least I was not alone. My husband left us 12 months after Lily passed away. He chose not to face her loss. This afternoon however, I walked that hallway alone with my son and faced my fear alone. Had circumstances with my son been more severe I now face those situations with a husband or my childrens father. I still cry for my child everyday (22 months later). I keep waiting for the pain to lessen, but it doesn't. I just know now that I am strong enough to survive the worst of the worst and to go forward. I have learned to play with my other two children without feeling guilty or crying. Outliving your child is something that should never ever happen. Your birthday is coming up soon Lily, Mommy loves you and wishes you were here.
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