Stories of Lost Children
My Little Man
by Priscilla Smith, Kilnaleck, Cavan, Ireland
When I found out I was pregnant I was absolutly terrified. I wasn't in a relationship and 3 years previous I had an ectopic pregnancy with my previous partner. I had also suffered 2 miscarriages. I started bleeding when I was around 3 months pregnant. I got up for work and when I got out of bed the blood just flowed from me. I started to cry and went straight to Casualty. The doctor examined me but thought I had lost my baby. She said I would need a scan to see if I would need a DNC. It was one of the best feelings ever when I had my scan and my baby was still there. This happened a few times to me; I bled quite a lot and was sent ome with the news that I was to sit and wait to lose my baby. The bleeding stopped when I was near 5 months pregnant and I was seen by the Gynacologist every 2 weeks. When I was 24 +5 I went home for my lunch from work. I went to the toilet only to find I was bleeding. Next I started to bleed very very heavy. My mum rang for an ambulance and I was rushed to hospital. I didn't feel any pain; just a tighting of my stomach every few minutes. The doctors decided I needed an emergency C-Section. At 4.12 p.m., my son Charlie was born wieghing 1lb 7oz. He looked so fragile and we baptized him in hospital. I didn't even have a name picked until that moment. Charlie was transfered to a hospital in Dublin where U followed the next day. I'll never forget seeing him in his incubator. He looked tine but perfect in every other way. Docs told us first 72hrs were crucial but Charlie pulled through. On the 4th day, they gave him a brain scan that sent my world crashing down he had SEVERE BRAIN BLEEDS. They told me he would have no quality of life but I didn't care so long as I had him. Unfortunatly when Charlie was one day of being 1 Month old, he died. The doctors took him of his ventilator as the bleeds had affected the part of his brain which told him to breath, swallow; all the basics. Plus he was going to be physically disabled and mentally but they couldn't tell me how bad he would be mentally. I will never forget waking up on the Wednesday morning knowing that my son was going to die that day. I'm so glad I got to hold him but I still feel the urge to want to hold him. I think of Charlie a lot of the time every day but sometimes im scared to think of him and cry in case I don't stop. I'm just so scared of letting my self slip into a state of depression and the only way I feel I can do that is by carrying on normal with my life. I go to work everyday and go out with my friend of a weekend although I no longer drink. Sometimes I feel guilty for carrying on so normal almost like Charlie never happened but I know he was here as I don't think i will ever be the same person I was. Is it normal to not wanting to think about it and is it normal to have such an imense fear of becoming depressed? It's only been a month since I lost him. If anyone has any advice please email me at priscillasmith@eircom.net
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