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Stories of Lost Children

Tommy Dude
by Momma, Montana, USA

Our first born son was with us for 6 years. I have so many happy memories of him. I miss his smile the most, his laughter and that twinkle in his eyes. I often wonder what could of been, living with guilt and the many I should haves going through my mind. We lost him on September 14, 1999, it has been such a difficult time. He leaves his momma, his daddy, his two brothers, James and Cal. I often wonder if I will ever get over the pain and anger. The pain of never seeing my son grow up and the anger at a god who took our son. Why do children die? They are supposed to be here till my end. Somedays I feel so lost and angry. Somedays I cannot even accept the truth, I don't want to face the truth, I would much rather wallow in my grief and question why and cry. And times I am afraid to cry, to feel my loss and get on with my life.

How do you go on? EVerything reminds you of your loss, what could of been. Every day is a reminder that my son is no longer here, that hurts. I've had dreams about him, he is always smiling, in one dream he came and gave me his hug that I've been missing terribly. Somedays, I don't want to be here. I want to blame someone, the doctor for not knowing, the medical personnel who couldn't save him. When I first found out I was pregnant I was so proud, I enjoyed being pregnant and enjoyed the pregnancy throughout. It was a lovely experience. The joys of childbirth is amazing. You are responsible for this little being, you are the reason why he is so chubby, you drank your milk, your water, your juice, ate healthy and tried to keep a healthy mind for his sake.

He was born 4 days after my birthday, I tried to go into labour on my birthday, but we figured he wanted his own birthday, now I know why. Our birthdays are coming up, he will be 8 on February 18, he would of been tall, smart, strong and oh so sweet. I loved him to bits. He was so smart, he loved reading and he had such a kind heart. He came home one day from Kindergarten and we used to sit and talk about his day. He told me one day, "you know what mom, the kids were laughing at one of his classmates during gym class" I asked him why? Because she couldn't run as fast as the others so the kids starting making fun of her. He said, "Mom I didn't laugh, and I told William not to laugh at her and he didn't". I felt so proud of my son and I told him.

He'd come home from school and share with me what he had for lunch that day. One day he came home all excited and told me he ate little trees that day (broccoli). I was so proud of him and many times after that him and I shared broccoli with ranch dip (our favourite). Now I have no one to share broccoli with. One day before our third son was born we were laying on the bed talking about our baby and if we were having a brother or a sister. Tommy Dude said he wanted a sister because he already had a brother. James wanted a little brother because Tommy dude had a little brother and he wanted whatever Tommy dude had. You know how little brothers are. They even picked names. On September 18 our baby arrived, their aunt was keeping them while my husband and I went to deliver. When our son arrived, my husband called home and told our sons they had a baby brother. Oh, Tommy dude was so upset, because he wanted a sister, his aunt had a heck of a time calming him down. They came to the hospital that evening to come and meet their brother. He walked in first and he had tears in his eyes as he walked over to my bed to give me a hug. Then over to his brother to give him a hug. He was only 5 years old when his baby brother was born. He was so mature, and he was such a wonderful big brother. He enjoyed his brothers so much. Just before we lost him, he was introduced to his big sister, so he finally did get a sister. I try and enjoy each day, some days, I just can't and end up feeling sorry for what could of been. I just miss him so much and I know I will never get over this, the hurt is so! ! "there".


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