Stories of Lost Children
My Sweet Angels
by Laura, El Paso, TX, U.S.A.
It has been a year since the loss of my first child. Last year, I found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. It was an unexpected pregnancy but felt so right and it was welcomed. At the same time, everybody kept telling me what I should do and didn't want to understand what I wanted. I was happy and it was all that matter. I was able to see my beautiful baby moving around as she waved at me. I got to listen to her heart beat, music to my ears. Her pictures are still in picture frames, one for me and one for her dad. Unfortunately, on October 31 of 2005, the week I was supposed to be 15 wks, I had to take a trip to the hospital only to find out my baby had died at 14 weeks. I felt so... I can't find words to describe what I felt. I was able to hold my baby in my hand, so small, so fragile. I wanted to give up everything, do everything in my power to have her back. But it is God's will, He needed her. We had been thinking of names before it happened. I wanted Leilani, he wanted Jordan. And that's the name we gave her, Leilani Jordan. It has been a year since her loss but I know she has been watching over us. I was given another chance this year in September. I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. I cracked a little joke with the dad saying that the baby was going to be "half a beaner" because Mexicans are known as "beaners" (don't ask, a lil humor). The dad is African American. With that, during the week and a half we had with our 2nd baby, he checked up on me and our "lil bean." That brought a smile to my face, til this day. Unfortunately, 2 weeks later, I had to take another trip to the hospital in the morning. They diagnosed me with a threatened abortion and sent me home to rest for the next couple of days, only to suffer another miscarriage later on that night. I lost my Lil Bean on September 21, 2006. My two sweet angels, they are both in God's arms out of harm. Will things ever be the same, no, because I have lost a part of me, twice. But I look forward to the day when I get another chance yet again. No I haven't forgotten about my babies and I'm trying to live life as normal as possible. Is it hard? Yes it is, but time has helped me heal a little at a time. There will be days when I am going to cry when I think about them and there are days that I'll smile. I visit Leilani at the cemetery as often as I can. It's not the same but it does help. With Lil Bean, along with Leilani, the memory of knowing I was pregnant again will be embedded in my heart forever even though I have no pictures. Forever in our hearts Leilani Jordan and Lil Bean, mommy and daddy love you and miss you.
|
