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Stories of Lost Children

Jonathon Watches Over Us Now
by L.B., Milton-Freewater, OR, U.S.A.

It has been six years since I lost my gorgeous baby boy Jonathon Micheal to SIDS. It was just a couple of days before Christmas of 1999 and I was the happiest I had ever been. I had two beautiful sons, my oldest was about to turn two. My husband was turning 21 so we had a big party planned in his and my sons honor on December 19th. My mother had came into town to watch the boys for me while I set up and got everything ready. I was running late that day and didn't get to the house at the time I was suppose to so I was rushing to get home. I looked in my rear view mirror and there was an ambulance coming up behind me. I pulled over to let it pass and praying like all people do for it to drive past my road. It did not, I followed the ambulance up my road but when it passed my turn off my fear subsided until the ambulance hit the breaks and started to back up. I allowed the ambulance to enter before me and just sat there praying over and over for it not to be my house. I pulled around the corner and my heart was stuck in my throat. The ambulance was not only stopped in front of my house but I had given the EMTs enough time to have already gotten my son out of the house and watched as they carried my tiny angel to the back of the ambulance. I slammed my car in park and ran to the ambulance only to have the door slammed in my face. I ran to the front hoping to get in but one of the EMTs held me back saying they needed space. I didn't know what to say or what to even think. My oldest son was on the porch and he was so scared. I ran to him and hugged him tight. I wouldn't let him go. After what seemed like forever the ambulance pulled away and a police officer showed up. He explained how my son was being taken to the hospital and that I was to go there as soon as possible. When I got to the hospital I was taken into this tiny room off to the side and told there was nothing else they could do for my son. I didn't believe them. I just knew they had made a mistake and they had the wrong child. But then I was put in another room and was allowed to hold him for the last time. I just stared at that beautiful face knowing full well he was gonna open those big blue eyes. He never did and I had to leave him on a table. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and hopefully ever have to do.

Like I said, it has been six years and I am still not healed from my loss. Since then I have had another gorgeous baby boy who is healthy and is now 2 yrs. old but it is almost harder in a way. All the new things he does is a constant reminder of the things I was robbed of with Jonathon. I love all my boys very much but it is hard not to distant myself at times. I don't know how to get past that point. I have good days and I have bad days. It is hard because unless someone has been through it they don't understand and if you don't understand then how can you support? Christmas is a very hard time for me and I have a lot of guilt. And mostly I have alot of "What Ifs" that go through my head. I don't know why I have written out my story in such detail but I am hoping maybe sharing it with other people will help me move past some of the pain that still plagues me on a daily basis. I apologize to anyone who this story upsets but I need for people to hear my story.


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