Stories of Lost Children
Not A Day Goes By......
by Stephanie, Anchorage, AK, U.S.A.
I am now approaching the 4 year anniversary of losing my son Silverio to SIDS. When I first lost him I couldn't imagine this much time passing, I honestly thought I wouldn't still be alive. It amazes me that 4 years have gone by and nothing has changed. Every morning I wake up I hope that it was just a dream and Silverio will be in bed next me. Every morning that I wake up and he's not their, it's like losing him all over again. I will never be able to forget that morning when I found him. I have trouble picturing him as the sweet smiling boy that he was, all I can see his how he looked when he was dead. I will never be able to rid myself of the guilt I feel for his loss. I will never be able to stop thinking I caused his death. Before I ever was a mother I had suffered from depression. I always felt so alone, and then I was given a reason to live. Silverio was my reason to graduate from high school, my reason to go to work everyday, and my reason to get out of bed. I never could have imagined what loneliness was until he was gone. I'm a walking zombie; I hate to be around children and pregnant women. My sister gave birth to her son two weeks to the day after my son died. Everyday my nephew is a reminder of what I will never have, and I resent him for it. I hate that I can't fully love my nephew, I know it's not his fault, but he is everything I will never know. When my sister gets frustrated at motherhood, I hate her. I would give anything to know that joy and pain of it. I don’t know if I ever will be able to have another child, I’m fearful of trying to replace or mask the pain of his loss. I don’t know what to do, I’ve never felt so lost and alone.
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