Stories of Lost Children
Life after Loss
by M.G., Rexburg, ID, U.S.A.
Although my story may be long, I write this to give comfort and hope to those who have experienced loss. And my sincere hope, is that we can all learn to somehow find joy again in life. The life that my husband and I had dreamed of was going exactly as planned. We had a beautiful little 2 year-old daughter, we were both graduating from school, and I was pregnant with our second child, a son. We named him Braydon as soon as we found out the sex of our baby. We used to sit in bed at night and wonder if he would look like Aubrey, our daughter, or have a look all his own. We would giggle and laugh about how the two of them would play and torment each other. We were so excited to add him to our little family. Then, on October 3, 2003, after finishing a hectic week of student teaching, I realized that I hadn't felt Braydon move much the last few days. I was 27 1/2 weeks pregnant, and usually felt him move at least a few times during the day. During the pregnancy I had developed high blood sugar and my uterus was growing faster than normal. My husband and I knew I needed to see a doctor. We knelt together in prayer and prayed that all would be normal. When we finished and looked into each other's eyes, we knew our answer had come and that everything was not alright. at the doctor's office our greatest fear was confirmed. Our gentle doctor said, "There really isn't any easy way to tell you this. There doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. Your baby has died." Those words struck me like knives as I stared at the ultrasound. I remember blinking over and over again as if somehow the monitor would suddenly show a heartbeat. But it didn't. Instantly the doctor started talking about delivering my baby, burial, and support groups. My head was spinning, and I didn't know how to respond. All I remember is burying my head into my husband and feeling his arms of love and support. We left the office to decide what to do. We decided to begin labor that night as we knew the process of dealing with the grief would not get easier if we waited. As I endured 18 hours of labor to get my sweet Braydon into the world, I will never forget the sweet spirit that filled the room as his delivery drew near. My heart was filled with love, there was a feeling of love, comfort and security that touched the hearts of everyone who entered. I knew at that moment, that all was as it should be. I did not know why God needed my little boy, but I knew that Braydon was where he was needed the most. Braydon was born at 8 p.m. on Oct.4, 2003. He weighed almost 2 lbs. and was 17 in. long. He was beautiful. He was peaceful and calm. He looked happy. He had my husband's skin and his grandma's mouth. He had my hands and feet and I held him pretending like I never had to let hime go. However,I felt comforted and knew somehow, our family would make it through this loss. We buried him next to my grandparents, and between where my parents, his grandparents will someday be buried. Although the loss of Braydon tore me apart, and the pain and agony in my heart was sometimes more than I could bear, I knew without a doubt that the Lord wanted us to be parents again. It wasn't a feeling of comfort more than a feeling of urgency. I was scared to tell my husband because I did not want him to think that I wanted to get pregnant to ease the pain of losing Braydon. As any parent knows, nothing can replace a lost child, even another child. When I told my husband, he trusted my instincts and agreed to try and get pregnant again. Nine weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We did not tell anyone except my parents, as we knew we would need their support if the pregnancy failed. We were excited, but also a little hesitant to get attached. 5 weeks into the pregnancy I started cramping and bleeding very heavily. Bleeding so heavily that I was told I was miscarrying. After delivering Braydon, a miscarriage seemed like a gentle way for the Lord to take this third child. We waited for the bleeding to stop, then 3 weeks later returned for a second ultrasound. As if by miracle (which the doctor himself said) there was a tiny heartbeat. We were all shocked and surprised. We could not believe I was still pregnant. We continued to treat this pregnancy as normal, until the third month when the bleeding started again. Again, the ultrasound showed a healthy baby. The My heart was filled with turmoil and confusion as I tried to understand why I was having signs of a miscarriage and still carrying a healthy baby, another baby boy. I did not know how long this child would continue growing inside me, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I may once again deliver a stillborn. I knew that I could not live my life in fear, and I decided then and there that if this was the way that the Lord wanted me to bring his children into the world, then I would have to accept that. After two more months of bleeding and two more ultrasounds, the pregnancy started resembling that of Braydon's. My uterus was growing too fast, and things just didn't feel normal. On my next visit to the doctor he looked at me and said, "What have they told you" I said, "All I know is I'm having a boy". He turned and said "Which one? You're having twins." My heart stopped as I realized that at 5 1/2 months pregnant, I was not only now pregnant with one miracle baby, but two. Noone can explain why after four ultrasounds, the second baby was never dectected before. Although I do not know why, from that time forward I did not have any more bleeding, my pregnancy was normal, and on August 16, 2004 I delivered two healthy baby boys. Just months from the time I lost Braydon. Although I now have two babies to hold in my arms and a sweet little girl to kiss me goodnight, I still cry and ache for the loss of my son. He will always be a part of me, and I know I do not have to let him go. I simply have to learn how to live my life without him. Although nothing will ever replace or seldom ease the pain of losing a child, we have to allow ourselves to live our lives to the fullest and accept the fact that God does still want us to be happy and that it is OKAY to be happy after extreme grief and loss. As unfair as it may be, we do not have a choice. For some reason we have been left on this earth to continue living. And I believe that is exactly what God and our loved ones want us to do...live.
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