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Stories of Lost Children

My two Angels born 5 months apart Britton &; Emily
by Amy James, Bartlett, TN, U.S.A.

It was 2001, I had symptoms of pregnancy, I went and bought a home pregnacy test, my husband was at work and the girls were at school, I went into the bathroom and took the test, shaking and trembling, I read the test result, it was Positive! I started crying with joy, I was so happy, I jotted a little note to my husband that said "hope you are having a great day and by the way you are going to be a daddy", I got into my Jeep and headed for his work, I can remember the look in his eyes. We made a doctor's appointment and found out that I was 8 weeks along, the doctor had a serious look on his face and started explaining to us about the effects on the baby from the medication that I had been on for over 8 years. (Xanax) which later we find out that it has little or no effect at all! He told us we needed to think hard about termination of this pregnacy and to get on a different medication and try again. I started crying as soon as I heard termination come out of his mouth, I have never belived in abortion and never thought the day would come where I would be put in the situation that I would have to decide to get an abortion. My husband and I went home and talked and cried for several days before we made the decision that would change our lives forever. We made the decision to terminate the pregnacy since the odds were so great against the survival of this baby. My husband called and made the appointment for the next morning. I cried all night and all the way to the clinic, when we arrived at the clinic, in the parking lot were protesters with signs of killing babies and they had fake blood all over their clothes (something I would do to save the live of a baby) I felt like I was in a nightmare and couldnt wake up! There was a security guard there that finally got us inside the door and then he had to frisk us, he said "we can never be too carefull at a place like this" I felt like a criminal. We filled out the required paper work and then I was wisked away from my husband to a little room with a cold metal table and something that looked to be a clear vacumn cleaner. I was not put to sleep I was not put to sleep because they told us that only being 8 weeks it shouldn’t hurt too bad, boy did they lie but didn’t know which was the worst pain the physical or mental. I was on that cold metal table crying while this so called doctor took my baby away from me. The procedure was finally over and they gave me some meds to go home with. I don’t remember much after I got off the table, I don’t even remember the 2 hour ride home. After a day or two in the bed I got up and tried to get on with my life so many different feelings going through my head and my body, a few days later my mom was there trying to help me deal with what I just did, and I told her that I still felt like I was pregnant, I thought it was just my emotions wanting to be pregnant but my mother went and bought a test and there I was again in the bathroom waiting for the results, when the test showed positive I blacked out and don’t remember anything after that until I was in the same doctor's office that told me that I needed to terminate the pregnancy he proceeded to do an ultra sound and there on the screen was a little heartbeat, I let out a scream and a bunch of tears and he ordered a transvaginal ultrasound at the local hospital for the next day. When I got to the hospital and was on the table ready for the ultrasound, I felt at peace and relieved, the lady started the ultrasound and there it was again a heartbeat, she said that I was almost 11 weeks along and that I was pregnant with twins and the doctor that performed the abortion failed to notice the other twin. She noted the empty sac of which would have been Emily's brother or sister (whom we named Britton Thomas James) and also noted that at 18 weeks I should have a level II ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. My husband and I had a hard decision to make, do we terminate this baby too or did God give our baby back to us? After a lot of praying and talking we decided to give our little girl a chance. That God had saved her life for some reason. We had moved to Florida a few years before and decided it would be best for us to move back home to Tennessee to be around our family, well I made it 18 weeks and it was time to find a good doctor to take care of me and Emily Grace, I went to the local Health Department since we just moved my husband or I had not had a chance to find employment yet so I was put on Tenn Care and WIC, the nurse at the Health Department told me of a great doctor at Vanderbilt and called and made an appointment for me. He was a high risk doctor, he performed the first prenatal surgery for spinal bifida so I just knew we would be in good hands. Well it was the day of our appointment, we drove the 90 miles to ********* to see Dr. ******, but was told when we got there that he was in an emergency surgery so we would have to see Dr.*****. That was okay with us because we knew that if Dr. ***** was in with Dr. ***** he must be just as good. He jotted down my medical history, I gave him a copy of the letter from the ultrasound from the hospital in Florida and thought everything was going good. He sent me in the room for an ultrasound, the lady started the ultra sound and showed us the heartbeat, legs, arms, profile, spine etc., then I seen that look again when she started measuring the bones in the arms and legs and her little head, she told us to hold on a moment and she went out of the room, she returned after what seemed like an eternity. she returned with the doctor he made an observation and started giving us the bad news, I could feel my skin start to burn while the hot tears poured down my face and landed in the puddle beside me, I could hear the gasps from my husband and my mother when he started talking about spinal bifida, strawberry head, down syndrome, cleft lip, clubbed feet and hands, CMS, neural tube disorder, Ventriculomegaly, Hydrocephalus and the list went on and on and on. He said that her lateral ventricles were not consited with my due date. After all that he had just said in a matter of minutes I was not hearing what he was saying now, he wanted me to do an amnio to confim what he believed was wrong, I could not decide right at that moment if I wanted such an abrasive procedure done so he told us to come back in a week and he would do another ultrasound and I could have the amnio then if I decided that I wanted that done. Again the way home was a blurr, don’t remember much about the next week except for listing to her heartbeat every night and feeling her kicking and moving. We went back to Dr. ***** and they performed another ultrasound not a better one just the same ultrasound, he assured us that the findings on this one was the same as the last ultra sound but said that he could not see the baby well because of my weight, he asked about the amnio and I decided to go ahead with it, maybe if the amnio results were good, everything would be okay, after that painful procedure with a 4 inch needle so close to my little girl we were told to come back in a couple of weeks to get the result of the amnio. I fell asleep listening to Emily's heartbeat every night for a few weeks until our next appointment, growing closer every day to her, I could tell when she got the hiccups or when she was happy or mad. It might sound crazy to someone that has not had the privialge to be pregnant but you fall in love with your baby way before it is born into this world. Well we were on our way to receive either the worst or best news of our lives. I feel so numb, I don’t know if I can get out of the truck and walk to his office. My husband, mom, sister n law and I walked the long hallway to his office, we were all very quite with my husband and I holding each other tight, we get there and sign in, they call us back very quickly and take us to this little room, we barely fit in there, so we were trying to prepare ourselves for the worst since I was in this room instead of the regular ultrasound room. Dr. ***** comes and and simply says "the amnio confirms all my thoughts" I scream NO...NO...my husband and his sister had since enough to ask a few questions after he told us it would be best to go ahead and terminate the pregnancy since I was 22 weeks and the cut off was 24 weeks, my sister n law asked if there was any chance at all that his test could be wrong, he told her no, if it was his decision he would terminate the pregnancy NOW!! I then started begging this doctor to put me into labor and at least let me hold Emily for a little while and so that I could give her a proper burial and he just simply stated that my insurance would not cover that procedure that we should go to a clinic the closest one was probably Georgia. No explanation of everything that was wrong with her, no going over ultra sound pictures no nothing just you need to terminate and you need to do it now before its too late! I get up and run out of the little room and run out of the doctors office into the public bathroom, not knowing if I could go on with life without Emily. My mom comes in and gets me and I go into the arms of my husband who tries to comfort me even in his own pain. I put my hand on my belly and talked to Emily all the way home, I looked at all the ultrasound pictures that the lady made for me as keepsakes of Emily she looked so normal, I just didn’t understand why God would make her so so sick after he gave her back to us. Well we did as the doctor said, we went to the Georgia clinic because we did not want Emily to suffer her life with no movement, emotion, brain or brain function. There were no protesters at this clinic but there was the security guard who patted us down before entering the building, the place was crammed pack with girls, some with their moms, dads, boyfriends etc., we find a seat and fill out the required papers, no counseling, they finally call me back, here I go again all on my on, as I follow the nurse to the ultrasound room, this will be the last time I will get to see Emily Grace alive, the nurse turned the screen away from me and I asked her please to turn it back so I could say goodbye to my daughter, after she took some measurements she said we cant do this you are 26 weeks and we were told you were 23.6 weeks this was on the 20th of December, she left the room and I watched the still image of Emily until she came back in with a doctor, the doctor took the same measurements and said that he couldn’t do the procedure that he would have to call in a specialist to bring in a special machine, everyone in this clinic knew that I wanted my baby and not one of them told me to leave, go home and just wait and see what happens, I cried as I was walked into a room with about 13 other girls laughing and talking to each other about their dates the night before, getting undressed and putting on the hospital gowns, all I could do was sit in the corner and hold Emily as much as I could without pulling her out and never letting her go, they finally call my name and I am taking into another small room with a cold metal table with lots of machines so that they could insert seaweed sticks into me so that I would dilate for the next days procedure with the specialist, when they were through I went back into the room with all new girls and put my clothes back on and I walked out with the last of my emotions, heart and soul gone. We had to stay at a hotel so that I could be there early the next morning for the procedure, I sat in the bathroom most of the night crying with my hand on my belly, still feeling Emily move and kick, telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to keep her, just like I told everyone at the clinic. I finally go get in the bed with my husband and he holds me until I fall asleep. When we awoke the next morning it started all over again, back to the clinic, back in the room with all these girls, still telling all the staff that I don’t want this done but the doctor said it was for the best, I was crying almost sobbing as I heard them call my name, still crying as I walked into the little room with the cold metal table the doctor turned to me and said "you can quit crying now cause you have already killed your baby". I was in shock I guess because I quit crying and climbed on the table, they inserted an IV into my arm and off to sleep I went. I woke up and heard this God awful noise (still guessing it was a vacuum of some sort) choking on the tube that was down my throat, the nurse told me to lay back and relax its almost over, I fell back asleep just to wake up again and felt something all over my belly I put my right hand on my belly and felt some kind of slimy stuff, at the time I didn’t know what it was, I clenched a piece in my fist as the nurse laid me back down and then strapped my arm to the table, she gave me more medicine in my IV and back off to sleep I went just to wake up again choking on the tube once more, she told me it wont be but another minute he is pulling the baby out now, lay back and relax, I heard something that I know was Emily Grace crying just a faint whimper and the next thing I remember was the nurse waking me up and taking me to the recovery room which was filled with about 9 other girls sitting in recliners until the sedation had worn off enough for them to leave, they kept me a little longer than usual because my heart rate and blood pressure was low, the nurse that had sedated me came into the recovery room and said to be sure to let my doctor or dentist know what a difficult time she had keeping me asleep. Well the next thing I know two years had gone by after Emily was taken from us, I am still having a very very difficult time dealing with the termination of my daughter, I looked at her ultrasound pictures on a regular basis and often took out the piece of tissue that I pulled from my belly and would just hold it, rock back and forth and cry. Now the last part of my story is what really kills me! Somehow Emily's ultrasound pictures come up missing just a few days after Easter (which was a very hard day for me)almost as hard as December 21st. I looked everywhere for the little pooh book with her 18 pictures in it, they always sat next to the prayer bear that I had taken with me to the clinic which had my pregnancy test, my band-aid, and my little piece of Emily that no one knew about. I couldn’t find the pictures anywhere, I tore the house up, I still cried every night for the 2 1/2 years but when I couldn’t find the pictures everything got worse (if that is possible). Well I had to take my mom to Nashville for her doctor's appointment and we had to drive by Vanderbilt, I told my mom that after her appointment I would love to stop by and get my records so that I could have some pictures of Emily back, so the next day after all of my moms test we went to Vanderbilt and went from department to department to try to get my records. The lady at the medical records department told me to go to radiology and get the ultra sound pictures while she got my file together, My mom and I went there and was told that they no longer had my ultra sound pictures, well I was not taking that for an answer, I wanted my pictures so I talked to several different people and finally talked to one lady that was responsible for putting the images on computer, she could find them so she told us to hold on and she went to her office and brought out about 15 CDs full of ultra sound pictures, she said that we could come in and help her look at them, she pulled up the dates that I had my ultra sounds and I noticed exactly when my mom did that there was a Kim James that had an ultra sound on the same exact dates that I did, well she found my pictures so I didn’t think anything else about Kim James (our names were almost the same) she put the images on a CD for me and gave it to me free of charge for all the trouble I had to go through to get them, we went back by the records department and was given 4 pages of my record, I asked if this was all and was told that the rest would be mailed to me. Well I returned home and awaited for the rest of my records to come in the mail, just knowing that I would have lots to read when it came, well finally on the 21st or so I received a small envelope from the records department, this was during the summer and my two girls 16 and 13 were at home so I went into my bedroom to open them, knowing that I would be upset to relive what happened but was not prepared for what I read....the amnio results were for a "NORMAL KARYOTYPE FEMALE"...can you believe that a normal little girl...I started screaming in agony my daughter's ran in and held me as I told them what was in the file, I felt like I was dying even more so, my oldest daughter called my mom to see if she could calm me down, I got on the phone and started to scream to my mother "they made me kill my little girl for nothing" over and over again, I was devastated. I eventually calmed down enough to read the rest of the (5) pages which two of them were of the amnio results so I read the other 3 pages which were ultrasound reports which none of them really went together, one stated that Emily had Severe Ventriculomegaly one stated that her ventricles were dilated to 12 one to 13 and one between 11 and 12 they also stated that no neural tube defects were noted and all cromos where negative which meant no down syndrome, no spinal bifida, no tisomy 18 just a mild case of Ventriculomegaly, I was devastated.

I started doing research 24 hours a day for a couple of months, after seeing an old friend which was an attorney I was even more involved with the research. The attorney said I had a very good case against Dr. ***** and the doctor at the clinic but he didn’t know if I could handle going through the whole thing in court again, he knows my mental status and said he tried a case almost identical to this a few years ago and the mother ended up killing herself before the trial was over and he didn’t want to see that happen to me, well I seen him 1 more time and showed him some of the research, he pointed out to me again that I had a great case of Medical Malpractice and Wrongful Death I told him all I wanted was a birth certificate and a death certificate and an apology from the doctors...that’s all I wanted, he told me that I could not sue for that, that it had to be monetary. He also pointed out the fact that I was pushing my other two girls and husband out of my life the way I was obsessing over this, I agreed with everything he said and went home and got back on the computer for more research, I lost 70 pounds in the 2 months that I was doing research, had big black bags under my eyes and didn’t want to talk or see anyone, everyone told me they supported what I was doing but I need to take a break from it, well I didn’t listen to them and came down with pneumonia, I was in the bed for 2 weeks, I wouldn’t go to the hospital even after my husband begged, finally I was so sick I couldn’t lift my head and he made me go, all I could think of was Emily Grace, my sweet little innocent Emily Grace, I finally got better to where I could get out of bed and started on the research again, my kids and my husband would bring me supper and drinks but they would sit beside me because I couldn’t stop reading long enough to eat, finally I seen what I was doing to my family and I didn’t want any money from the doctors because all I could think of the money was it was blood money, Emily's blood. So one day about 3 weeks ago I decided to put everything away, I got a box and filled it with my research and all of my medical records that I had requested from all my other doctors while I was pregnant, I only had the 9 pages from Vanderbilt because they said they had lost the rest of it, well everything went into that box, even Emily's little prayer bear and her pictures, I taped the box and gave it to my husband to put away.

Emily would be 2 1/2 now and I hear her call my name "mommy" everyday, I know now that God wants me to help other people that are in the position that I was in and that I am now in. Everything happens for a reason and I believe this is the reason this has happened to me: I almost have everything in order to go to the attorney's office to look over so I am going to talk to
my husband and get the box back out, these doctors have to pay for what they took away from us and No other family should ever have to go through the pain that me and my family have gone through, and the "blood money" if I win will go towards a memorial to my daughter Emily Grace a foundation for mothers who are in the situation that I was in to talk to and to get a second opinion because when you are going through that your mind is not there and you need someone that has been through it to help you, I trusted my well known doctor and all that got me was empty arms and an empty rocking chair! Emily Grace I know you are in heaven sitting in papaw's lap, Mommy will make you proud, I will not let this happen to another little baby, that is a promise I make to you, I know that you know how much I love you and I will see you one day and be able to hold you in my arms for the first time and then and only then will the pain go away.

I love you little girl.

Love always, Mommy

Some of the research has turned out the following information: If you are terminating a pregnancy of a baby that is viable, 3 doctors have to agree and put in writing why this pregnancy should be terminated, there should be a death certificate, there should be an autopsy and the parents should be able to bury their child, none of this was done or offered at the clinic. Also your medical doctor can NOT coherse you into termination, with my past mental illness it was his responsibility to make sure I knew exactly what was going on and what exactly was wrong with Emily "not saying the amnio confirmed my thoughts" I also found out that the survival rate and normalcy for a child with Ventriculomegaly between 10 and 15 have a very high survival rate and a very good chance of a normal outcome if there are no other markers noted. I also found out that my insurance would have paid for him to induce my labor so that I could have held my daughter and buried her. I have found so much in my research but my story is long enough, please feel free to email me with any questions, I don’t know everything about this condition but I have 3 months of research behind me and if I don’t know the answer to your question I will be more than happy to help you find the answer.

Love and Prayers go out to all that has lost a loved one. I know first hand that sometimes it never gets any easier and please pray for me that I am doing the right thing by taking these doctors to court, I don’t want to ruin their lives but they should have to pay for what they have done

If you have any information that would help me in court or if you just need to talk to a friend.

Please e mail me and I will get back with you as soon as I can poohinflorida@hotmail.com


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