Stories of Lost Children
The story of Grace &; Olivia
by Jason Traci Garber, Long Beach, CA, U.S.A.
On Valentines Day 2005 we discovered we were pregnant. It was early in the morning and we decided to try a home pregnancy test. When two lines appeared we stood there and stared at it for a LONG time before believing it could be true. We drove to the doctors office for a “real” test. That one came back positive also, and right there - in that doctors office, our lives were forever changed. We were rushed into the whirlwind most expecting parents encounter. The excitement and the joy. The morning sickness and the ice cream. A month and a half later, during a routine ultrasound we discovered we were pregnant with twins. We began our search for twin strollers and crib dividers. We were in awe and amazement and we didn’t quite understand how we got so lucky. The next several months flew by and we grew more excited each moment. We had plans and dreams and hope for the future. Hope for new life. We’ll let you in on a little secret … during an early ultrasound in April, we were told that the babies were both girls. The ultrasound tech was practically 100% positive Baby A was a girl, and she was pretty sure that Baby B was a girl also, though she couldn’t guarantee that one. It was then that we named Baby A Grace. Since then Baby B had been called several things - Traci referring to her as Olivia, our 2nd girl name, and Jason throwing in our boy name, just in case! Jason wanted to keep it a secret until our 20 week ultrasound - he wanted the ultrasound tech to be SURE they were BOTH girls. And we wanted Andrew to be there; to be the first one knowing if he was having sisters or brothers or both. So, it was hard, but we managed to stay quiet. On June 3rd, 2005, Traci began noticing some pain. It was slight pain, more of an uncomfortable ache. But more overwhelming was the feeling that something was just not right. Jason made several phone calls to the doctor, who kept assuring us that all was well. We rented a Doppler early in our pregnancy and were able to monitor the babies heart beats that day. They were both strong and healthy. Besides the slight ache, nothing was physically wrong. It was more a feeling. We decided to head to labor and delivery to be on the safe side, and before Jason had even made it home from work, the contractions had begun. When we arrived at L&D, we were greeted by a nurse, who happened to be part of our church family. It was obvious God was already at work! By the time we reached the hospital Traci was 4cm dilated. Too far along to medically stop the labor. She also had a fever, and the attending doctor was worried about infection. Several different people and several different options were immediately thrown at us. “We could do a cerclage (stitching up of the cervix)” “You can deliver one (Baby A) and hope the labor stops and hope you go full term with the other” “Do you want us to do all we can to revive the babies if they are born?” “Who is your pediatrician?” I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a situation like this, but it’s like your mind literally stops working - you can hear these people talking, but you have NO CLUE as to what they are saying. I think we literally sat there silently and looked at them. At some point we were introduced to our nurse - another woman from our church. To look back on, it is amazing the way God transcribed that night. The way things happened, the people who were placed in our path! Jason made a few phone calls, and those people made a few phone calls, and before we knew it there were tons of people showing up at the hospital to pray. It was amazing and we were overwhelmed by the love and support we received by our family, friends, and church. By the time we met our delivering doctor, it was obvious that the labor was doing nothing but progressing. Not what we had wanted. NOT what we had prayed for. This doctor informed us that at this point, with the way things were going, there were no further options. We were to wait and deliver. At some point, one of our awesome nurses found a perinatologist to come in and see us. She did an ultrasound for us, and we were able to see our girls alive and healthy for one last time. She gave us several pictures, confirmed they were both girls, and allowed us to watch as they played. Gracie sucked her thumb for awhile. They both moved around and squirmed for us, and then decided to start socking & kicking each other. They were both very active. It was wonderful to see. Around 11:30pm we, and several friends and family members, were in the room, huddled up in prayer; it was then that hard labor began, and there was no turning back. At this point, I imagine you picture us in a state of panic - that this night was full of tragedy, but that is not how we think back on it. It was a night of miracles. Grace Lorelei (baby A) was born on Saturday June 4th at 2:57am, weighing only 12 ounces. She was 9 inches long. Olivia Paige (baby B) came 15 minutes later, at 3:12am, weighing only 10 ounces. She was also 9 inches long. They were both bruised from making their way through the birth canal. They were not mature enough to handle it. Aside from that, they both looked perfect. From all outside physical appearances they were developed. They were the most beautiful little girls I’ve ever seen. They had fingernails and eyebrows. Perfect little ears and lips. Twenty fingers and toes. If you were to have held them, with their tiny head cupped in your hand - their feet would extended to your elbows. If only their hearts and lungs were strong. We held our girls for a long time. We introduced them to our family and our closet friends. We read scripture and prayed over them. We took pictures of them. We got their tiny footprints. And then we gave them back to heaven. We decided to have Grace & Olivia buried in a children’s section at a beautiful cemetery. We also decided to have a memorial service. We wanted the lives of our daughters validated. These were not ‘fetus’s’ who did not make it. They were people. Scripture tells us that a LIFE (meaningful, viable, significant life) begins at the moment of conception. The world is so caught up in determing "when does a life begin?” Is it after the first trimester, or at 20 weeks, or at birth? Do you realize the state of CA will not issue a birth certificate to a baby that is still born? They will, however, issue a death certificate. How can a child die, if it was never “born”? How can a woman go through 20 hours of labor, hours of pushing, and not have “given birth”? How can you bury something that is not “really a life”? This was not a mere case of “fetal demise” - these were our daughters. They have eternal souls. We wanted to honor them. To date, we still have no medical “reasons” to explain why what happened did. Not that any reason would ever be good enough. Our doctor’s “don’t know”. Our babies were fine, just pre-mature. The hypothesis the hospital gave was that there was a blood clot on the backside of Olivia’s placenta which threw Traci‘s body into premature labor, although our OB claims it was never proven. All blood tests and cultures came back normal. Like we stated earlier, June 3-4 was a night of miracles. No, God did not saves our girls that night, but we were given peace. We were given a chance to meet our sweet girls face to face, to kiss them, and hold them. We were given amazing nurses, who went beyond the call of duty to assist us. Who sat down and cried with us. We were given two beautiful daughters. And they are our miracles. Even now Traci insists that giving birth to her girls was the most amazing experience she’s had. If you’ve ever felt God right beside you, holding you in His arms, you’ll understand the feelings I am describing. God did not answer our prayers in the way we would have liked, and that is something that can not be understood this side of heaven. But He did answer our prayer. He was there, as He has promised, and He held us. When the sacred is torn from your life … it forces your world to stop. To see what is really important. A husband and wife clinging together in the darkness of the night. A 10 year old son wiping tears from his eyes because his little sisters won’t be able to come to his football games. A smile, a laugh, a hug. Things that were taken for granted just days before, are now the most vital things in the world. Hold hands a little tighter - hug a little longer. Tell your children how much you love them. Close your eyes and feel God’s presence. Really feel it. He is there. He is waiting for you, and He loves you. No one should ever have to hold their dead child, or search for caskets. We have. We share Grace & Olivia’s story to offer a sense of hope, of peace. We will never understand why our daughters lives were taken that Saturday morning, but this we know … God was there. He may have seemed silent now and then. But He is here and He promises a life a prosperity, of hope. One day we will be reunited with our girls. Our lives are changed. Our joys are greater, our love deeper. Two tiny lives have come in and transformed our world. And we are forever grateful.
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