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Stories of Lost Children

Why was she stillborn?
by Susan White, , GA, U.S.A.

Cecilia Ashley was stillborn at 38 weeks on February 11, 2005, one day before my 36th birthday.

We were 35 when we got pregnant with our first and only child. We wanted to bring our baby into the world under the best possible circumstances. We waited until we were married, owned a home and had well established careers. After trying for only 5 months we found out we were pregnant. Then at 20 weeks we found out we were having a girl. I wanted a daughter so badly, I wondered how I would react if they told be I was having I boy. I mean, I knew I would still be very happy, but I REALLY wanted a little girl. I cried happy tears for an hour when they told me my lifelong dream had come true.

I had awful morning sickness from day one up until the day she was delivered. In fact the morning sickness was so bad that I was hospitalized for dehydration twice from all the vomiting. Still they said the baby was perfect and healthy.
The day before my weekly OB appt, at 38 weeks I hadn't felt movement all day, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal because they said the movement would probably be less as I could deliver any time and she was getting limited on space. That night, I was in stage one labor from 1am-4:30am. All my literature told me to labor at home for stage 1, so I didn't call the Dr and didn't even wake my husband because I knew he would go into panic mode and try to take me to the hospital as he had several times before. The next morning at 10:30 am I felt a few HUGE movements. RELIEF!!! She was moving!! My doctor appointment was at 4pm, and the doctor said I was dilated to a 2. I was SOOO HAPPY. It was time for her to arrive - Finally!! Then she did the routine doppler. And said she was hiding from us today and then asked when I last felt movement and I said I didn't feel anything yesterday at all but finally did this morning. She said that we would go ahead and take a look at her on the ultrasound.

That's when it all began. There was no heartbeat. My daughter had died. I walked across the street from my doctor's office to the hospital, being held up by my doctor and my husband. I was in total shock. I could barely walk. I was admitted and then we began making the phone calls to our family who all thought we were calling to say it was "time". As my friends and family gathered at the hospital, I labored for 15 hours and gave birth to my beautiful daughter, weighing 6 pounds 2 oz.

The tests and autopsy could not produce a cause of death. She appeared perfect in every way inside and out. We have no reason to hold onto. We are empty and sad and hurt and feel like God broke a promise. We ache for our daughter so badly every minute of every day. The grief is so overwhelming sometimes I can barely breathe. Her crib sits empty, her rocker is still. Her clothes hang in the closet unworn. The stroller, the playpen, the toys, all sit untouched, waiting for Cecilia, who will never come home.

Susan White
susanwhite15@yahoo.com
e-mails welcome


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