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Stories of Lost Children

Bryan Michael
by Clarissa , Nashville, TN, U.S.A.

I went to the doctor on 11/01. They said I would need fertility drugs to get pregnant. Well Ii chose not to because I was getting married the following month. I had had 3 previous female surgeries by the age of 21 and wanted to enjoy being married or "honey mooning" as they call it.

Well 2 months into our marriage I found out Ii was pregnant without fertility. I was classified "high risk" and put on bed rest the entire pregnancy. I found out when I was 2 weeks so it was a very long pregnancy. I went through several false labors and at 36 wks they had to stop labor. At 38 wks on 9-26-02 I delivered a 8 lb 1 oz angel Bryan. He was a healthy baby (so we thought). I took him to the doctor 18 times in 3 months, at 6 wks he had a spinal tap and I was reassured he was fine. I was at each visit to the doctor. He went to the doctor 12-23 Monday & 12-27 Friday and they said he had a touch of a cold; not to worry.

Well Monday 12-30-02 was the worst day of my life. I woke up to get him ready so I could go to work. I picked up a non-responsive baby. I called 911 and administered CPR and went to the local hospital and went through having him life flighted. 4 hours into all of it he died with no explanation as to "why".

3 months I waited for an autopsy because they knew it wasn't SIDS. I found out he died of a rare form of pneumonia, so I then pulled all of his medical records and found out all along his doctor was diagnosing him with an upper respiratory infection and never told me or treated it. So of course it can turn into pneumonia.

Well after trying to seek legal help without success and me and my husband losing everything and i mean everything, our marriage has been on the rocks since then. It is now coming up to the 2nd anniversary of his death and I'm still not ok by any means. I've seen a psychiatrist, therapist, anti-depressants; nothing works. Whoever said time will heal must have never experienced the death of a child because I don't think the pain will ever ease. I think you just learn how to mask it and move on with your life so that the whispers of "oh she lost her baby" will stop. I don't know how to get help or what kind of help I need. If I did, I'd be OK right now. Instead of feeling selfish because I can't deal with it and scared to turn to my husband for that matter. I hope i'm not alone with this feeling.


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